Days 13 & 14: !!!

Finally hit a turning point, thanks to my mom. Efforts solidifying, vision clarifying, progress determinedly being molded.

The solidifying, clarifying, and molding are all in the baby stages, but there they are.

Two major points of realization:

1. Gritting your teeth, squeezing your eyes shut and concentrating on just getting through each second, one at a time, CAN really help... even if you feel like a nutjob muttering "So hard, so hard, fuck fuck fuck," as you stumble through the bakery at HEB.

2. You CAN get through those panic-inducing cravings that claw up your insides and make time stop and simultaneously go three times as fast, and end up content and full on something else on the other side (even if it takes awhile to get there.)

If you don't struggle with food in the same way I do, this probably sounds crazy to you. Well, I feel the same way about, say, gambling addicts and alcoholics. I just don't get being addicted to those things because my brain's not wired that way. But I UNDERSTAND some people are. I know and accept it. Society knows and accepts it, though they didn't always.

I eat when I don't want to (in fact, that's most of the time.) I think about certain foods uncontrollably. I want them uncontrollably. They CONSUME me... I MUST have them... even when I'm disgusted with myself on the outside and the inside, even when I know they're harming me and could eventually kill me, even when I'm broke and nauseous and DON'T WANT ANYMORE, even when I'm thinking in my head "Don't do this!" but I'm watching myself do it as if from outside my body.

What else is that, if not addiction?

Karen