cricket cricket....

Hola chicas?
Donde estamos?

Okay that's all I can figure out in my middle school spanish
and shit...I have kids in middle school now!

I've personally realized that many of the foods I have to eat due to my gluten intolerance (well I don't HAVE to eat them but the choices that i'm limited to by my gluten intolerance) are much higher in calories...
so even when i follow a "menu" I'm still racking up extra calories because my ingredients are just higher in calories
ugh

so this week i've been mindful of not just menu honesty
but caloric intake within that menu
so sometimes instead of a sandwich (2 slices) I'm only allowed an open face (coz gluten free bread is heavy on the calories!)
We've been "skinnyswitching" in our house
I like the premise
I've been doing it with my daughter
working awesome for her...she's lost 7 lbs (her goal was to lose 8...she's a tween)

I was doing well for a while but plateaued after about 6 or 7 lbs
so i started digging a little deeper and realized that even following plan...i'm not within my caloric limits
so we'll see what happens this week.

And YOU? where are you?
:)

Happy Halloween!

Hows everyone doing?

loving my body...priceless

wearing a new pair of jeans today
they're not a size smaller
they're a 14
but i love them on me
and i love me in them

the struggle against myself is waning
:)

Full of good intentions

Hello All,

I was grateful when Karen started this up again because I missed the boat on the first one. It was an intense summer with both kids at home. The intensity continues, but in a different way. I started a full-time job, which I love, but one month in, my supervisor (only other person) came down with swine flu and was out for three weeks. I didn't mind that it was busy, but it was exhausting. Then I went out of town for a few days (first time being away overnight by myself in over five years!), then the viruses struck our house (not flu, or so the little one's test said, but it sure as fuck feels like flu.) Me and the five year old stuck at home today.

That said, I was making progress with my health, and hubby's, until we started getting sick. When I started my full-time job, I was worried about fitting in exercise, but it has worked out well for me to get in four workouts at set times during the week. I'm approaching the level of fitness I had when I got pregnant with my second daughter, but unfortunately, when stress or illness sets in, I slip back. I didn't know that little Halloween packets of Skittles were a good sick food, but turns out they are. :/ It's so hard to get back on track after the momentum stops.

Goal-wise, here is where I am: I want to lose all the baby weight. For me, it's the ten pounds that went on overnight when the little one weaned. I want to run the half-marathon in February. I want to inspire hubby to take care of himself, since the weight he's put on has caused him to have to increase his blood pressure medication and be on cholesterol-lowering medication. He's a few days shy of 39. Perhaps most importantly, if I don't maintain regular physical activity, I have a harder time dealing with stressors. We're about to add a huge amount of stress (selling house) and I can, unfortunately, see our health maintenance go by the wayside.

i eat when i have to talk

this comment has been a common idea in my blog posts lately
it's something i've uncovered about myself these past few months as i deconstruct the reasons for my binging
today, i talked
i even talked about "eating when i should be talking"
score: Me - 1, Food - 0

This month of Healthy Living

October 27, 2009
Today (whatever number it is, its just another day in the process)
I'm glad to be here again (although I've always lurked) and I agree with the masses that having a place to share is good therapy...but only if its honest sharing and there is a comprehensive goal to sharing at the conclusion...or the first mile marker (month 1 ...or 2, or 2 thousand as it may be for some of us).

See, I'm not sure the ONLY point to a blog like this is to keep us "honest" or find camaraderie...for me anyway, maybe we can find a common pattern, maybe from that common pattern we can begin to find real life solutions.

My personal life journey has taught me that western medicine and medicinal thought does not always hold all the answers (mostly because they don't even bother to listen to the questions) so we can join as soujourners, learning as we go.

If we're just here to commiserate and gripe...then we're missing out on half of the journey, and perhaps the most imporatant part...what CAN we learn what's the feedback from our perceived failure?

I say perceived because we can't learn from it if we don't experience the failure...and if we keep experiencing it (over and over and OVER and over and over) then there's obviously a life lesson we're missing

It may not (and very well might not) be the same for all of us...but the journey and exegesis of the lessons will probably follow a similar path so rather than just join...let us BAND together through the process.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what this means our blog has to look like (has to is the wrong choice of words but i'm just flowin here so go with me...Karen knows I have a thing for runonsentences)

Maybe this means we need to include (or attach somewhere) some statistics of our days...not just emotions but intake so we can see how they relate
we can find common triggers
we can compare symptoms
we can come up with REAL LIFE solutions
because really...
do any of us just want to continue our "do overs" each month hoping that THIS will be the month?
I don't...I want to see change...and that doesn't necessarily have to be in the size of my clothing, although it would be nice
I'm working on acceptance and recognition of my beautiful self...no matter what she looks like
I get the feeling that once this is achieved...any superfluous pieces of myself will melt away
i'm holding onto this fat for reasons other than "I eat" because even when I'm good...it doesn't want to go anywhere...

so my goal for today
"It's not about being good or bad...it's about understanding why"

Love and peace to all!

Intro to another healthy wannabe mama

Wow! Posting on a blog that real people will actually read and real people who actually might have seen me buy those chocolate chip cookies at the grocery store. And if you did--next time tackle me and remove the cookies and slowly walk away. Be warned--I am a chatter so my post might be long but I will work on that.

I love the idea of healthy living because lets face it--I have been dieting longer than I think I knew how to spell the word. I am a girl, I live in America and like most I have and have had self esteem issues for most of my life. I have had great moments of healthy living and a slim body (after all I did snag a cute husband) but I know and have known for a very long time that food has been a comfort when people were not there. That is my challenge is to break that connection. Also, like most in our society and state of "bigger is better", I don't always eat poorly, I just eat to much. Finally, I like soda, I love the bubbles, the coldness, the pretend "awake" feeling I get from the sugar and all the artificial crap. There, you have my weakness and my mental reasons now on to the health reasons. I had Gestational Diabetes with both my pregnancies and controlled both with diet and exercise. After my second child I had a crazy bout with Post Partum Thyroiditis and during this wondering testing my endocrinologist made me drink that sugary crap for another glucose tolerance test and I failed. The good news---my 3 month sugars are normal so what does that mean for me--I am in a pre-diabetic phase and it means if I were continue down my current path of health and fitness that I would be blessed with Type 2 Diabetes. Or what I like to call it ---"the fast ass lazy version" of diabetes or as some refer to "lifestyle diabetes". Call it what you want--I got here by genetics (thank you daddy who is a prime exactly of the fat ass lazy version of any health related issues and he is alive thanks pills and zero work on his end)--no bitterness there. BUT also, I got here due to my health decisions. With this fact firmly slapped in my face and boldly written on my medical charts I have decided that I need to make a change. Not for me but for my two little girls who will look to me to show them the way in the world and I don't want them to face this struggle. I don't want them to take 3 invitations to join a blog on healthy living for fear that I would really post and someone might really ask me how it is going.

So, I guess the next step is to plan to take some steps. I have medication that will help aid my body with the distribution and breakdown of sugar. I need to take it and my doctor said it will actually help me lose weight since my body currently does a crappy job of handling sugar and instead of giving it to me for energy --it just saves it for later (most notable around my mid section which is great for my heart). So, first I need to get over the idea that I am my father and take this medication. I have no idea why but he took it many years ago when he was still fearful for his health and some how I feel that by taking it--I will become him. Also, my doctor just wants me to be on it for a year then see how if my body has corrected itself. Second, I fear that I will not succeed. What if I am just fat forever. Third--I have to find a new way to find comfort. Like my daughter who cried and cried when we took her paci away, I am crying about needed to restrict my diet. Note that I said restrict---cutting out the bad will only make you want it more and I need to restrict my quantities and get rid of soda all together. I don't want my daughters drinking it and the other day my 3 year old asked if she could have my coke. Ummm, no it does not exist for you.

So the short goal list:

1. take medication
2. Actually use the newly purchased YMCA membership and get my free fit assessment.
3. try to work out once a week (baby steps right?)
4. Try to blog about once a week for y'all to hold me accountable.
5. work on portions and no soda.

thank you and thank you to Karen for inviting me (hopefully you will not regret it). Good luck mamas!

Days 13 & 14: !!!

Finally hit a turning point, thanks to my mom. Efforts solidifying, vision clarifying, progress determinedly being molded.

The solidifying, clarifying, and molding are all in the baby stages, but there they are.

Two major points of realization:

1. Gritting your teeth, squeezing your eyes shut and concentrating on just getting through each second, one at a time, CAN really help... even if you feel like a nutjob muttering "So hard, so hard, fuck fuck fuck," as you stumble through the bakery at HEB.

2. You CAN get through those panic-inducing cravings that claw up your insides and make time stop and simultaneously go three times as fast, and end up content and full on something else on the other side (even if it takes awhile to get there.)

If you don't struggle with food in the same way I do, this probably sounds crazy to you. Well, I feel the same way about, say, gambling addicts and alcoholics. I just don't get being addicted to those things because my brain's not wired that way. But I UNDERSTAND some people are. I know and accept it. Society knows and accepts it, though they didn't always.

I eat when I don't want to (in fact, that's most of the time.) I think about certain foods uncontrollably. I want them uncontrollably. They CONSUME me... I MUST have them... even when I'm disgusted with myself on the outside and the inside, even when I know they're harming me and could eventually kill me, even when I'm broke and nauseous and DON'T WANT ANYMORE, even when I'm thinking in my head "Don't do this!" but I'm watching myself do it as if from outside my body.

What else is that, if not addiction?

Karen

Day 12: Improvement

Huh, would ya look at that.

Breakfast: bowl of Fiber One cereal and 1/2 apple.

Lunch: turkey sammich and a handful of Cheezits

Dinner: Cranberry Meatloaf and mashed 'tatoes with a Coke Zero

Late Snack: bowl of Cheerios

Dessert: teeny spoonful of ice cream followed by a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme.

Nary a vegetable excepting the onion in the meatloaf and the mashed potatoes, but still a big improvement for me.

How are YOU doing?

Karen

Day 11: Fail and Win

(Wow, eleven already? Definitely going to have to go longer than a month. Haven't accomplished a whole lot so far.)

Okay, so breakfast was a big fat fail. Jack in the Box (double cheesburger, large curly fries, soda) and two donuts. I can see my mom from here: disbelief, horror, anger, determination.

Lunch continued the fail theme with two more donuts.

Dinner: Cheesy Chicken & Rice Casserole, salad, orange juice. w00t.

Those donuts were so good, people. Why does junk food taste soooo good and healthy food taste so bad? Shouldn't nature have designed me the opposite way? HOW DO MY INSTINCTS EXPECT ME TO PROPAGATE WHEN MY GENETIC RECIPE IS FOR COFFEE CAKE INSTEAD OF SUCCESS?????

Day 4 - Or How to Lose 4 lbs Overnight

Apparently if you throw up all your food and lose the rest out the backside, you can lose 4 lbs overnight! No, I don't recommend it.

I've been struck down by whatever is going around and haven't done anything today but sleep and use my laptop. I'm hoping (ok, that's NOT the right word) that I'll be able to go to work tomorrow.

I did find my weights the other day and actually did a few sets on my arms. And now I need to do some more. when I can actually get out of bed comfortably again.

Comments

I can set you up so an email notification (with the comment in the body) gets sent to you whenever there are any comments. Let me know if you're interested. Totally helpful for me.

Day 10: Further Adventures in Mediocrity

Tired all damn day today. Think I'm fighting something off maybe? Seem to have lost pronouns. Thinking it might be good to detail what I'm consuming... Should give us all more ammunition to kick me in the ass with.

Breakfast: 3/4 big bag of kettle corn
Lunch (at 5pm): bowl of tuna casserole, Ritz crackers, lemonade, 1/2 Toblerone
Dinner (at 10pm): ham sammich, apple, lemonade, rest of the kettle corn and Toblerone

Totally not a wonder why I feel like crap all the time.

Off to zzzzzzzzz

Day 9: About That...

Totally forgot to post at the end of the day.

Did manage to eat a serving of vegetables (lightly salted cucumbers.)

Had a strange burst of energy when I woke up i.e. didn't feel like the walking dead. I totally can't figure out why though. Ate a meal I eat often for dinner, got to bed at the same time, woke up at the same time. It felt so freaking good not to feel drained like usual. Didn't last that long though and life took the energy back today, with interest.

Day 8: Fuck, Did I Say 'Back On Plan Tomorrow' Yesterday?

Well that so did not work. Starburst, Twix, and soda. Why is it so IMPOSSIBLY HARD this time?

And once again I'm hurrying to bed without a chance to post much. But hey, I've posted every day so far, which was one of my goals. A-freaking-mazing.

Karen

Day 1 for Lani

I forgot my pedometer at home this morning so not a great start to the day and then I ate a ooey, gooey grilled cheese sandwich from Chedd's for lunch BUT I came home and took a walk in this glorious weather for 30 minutes all by myself. I NEED to make time to do that more often.

Now I need to go dig out our weights and see if I can do anything about my arms.

Not a bad start after a forgetful morning. :-)

Day 7: A Quick Check-In

It was hubby's birthday today so there was pie, ice cream, and Johnny Carino's to be had.

Back on plan tomorrow.

For now, running off to bed.

How are y'all doing?

Tomorrow is MY Day 1

I meant to start last week and, of course, life got in the way.

Then I went and tried on pants today. WHY, WHY, WHY is it so hard for me to 1. either find pants that fit my bumpy thighs or 2. just accept how I look in pants?

Well, even though this is my 2nd trip out for new pants and I must have tried on 15 pairs between the 2 trips, I didn't buy any. BUT I did buy stop and buy a pedometer on the way home.

My goals are simple. (Well, they SOUND simple.) Walk 10,000 steps every day and lift hand weights every day to tone up my arms. How much easier could that be? 30 days. 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days, RIGHT???

We'll see.

Thanks for resurrecting this Karen. I did fairly well the first time but feel almost powerless this time.

Day 6: About Me

I am a seriously unhealthy person, but it's my own damn fault, and it's totally fixable. I think.

I have unhealthy relationships with food and exercising.

In short, I eat a ton of total crap. I don't want to, but I love it (most of the time), and I can't stop myself. I dislike a lot of healthy food, such as most vegetables. I'm also way low on energy and money, and I'm a pretty bad cook. Annnd I hate exercising.

In my Month of Healthy Living, I'm trying hard not to eat the junk, to eat more healthy foods like vegetables and lean proteins, and to move more. In that order. I'm trying to post here every day. I know accountability to myself is most important but I suck at that, so if YOU guys will hold me accountable and that helps me do better, at this point I will totally go for it!

So if I stop posting here, please email me and kick my ass. Please encourage me, and bang your head in frustration with me, and celebrate with me, and chastise me, and pat my back when I'm crying.

Wanted to write more but have to get the household to bed. Another thing I suck at: time management.

wine and chocolate

We have a guest from France. He showered us with wine and chocolate. I think both are on my healthy living way of life list. Fresh bread, jam, fruit with coffee and Mexican hot chocolate for breakfast.

I made a pretty good soup last night. I cooked down an organic chicken with carrots, garlic and bay leaf. I cleaned the chicken off the bone and strained the broth. I made a side soup of broth, chicken and soft carrots for the kids. I boiled sweet potatoes with the rest of the broth and added the soft garlic and a chipotle pepper. I boiled until super soft and blended it smooth. I added the chopped chicken and finely chopped kale. A fair amount of work but I have some great leftovers. I also made bread. I try to make whole wheat bread but I got 40lbs of white organic flour, so it was mostly white. I don't think yeasted white bread is so good for me but my family loves it.  

Day 5: Guess What?

Yes, another hard day. BETCHA DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING or maybe you did...like me.

Bah, humbug.

Finally had time to sit down and write tonight but man I needed some mindless web surfing so that's what I did. Now, off to desperately needed zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

But hey, I wanted a shaved ice sooooo bad TWICE today and each time had an orange juice popsicle. Wheeee.

Cripes, I'm cranky.

Really want to read Melissa's entry. Really want to respond to Jenny's email. Really want to take Babetta up on her offer of cyber therapy.

But most of all, want to sleep.

Keep on Keepin' On

Well, I've been given some space here to elaborate on my struggle. I've wanted to start a bowel detox for the last three months. I'm so scared to actually do it. I don't know what the fear is saying to me. I do use the formula that is antiviral/antibacterial and I think it has helped me stay healthy or also helps if I think I've eaten something suspicious. Here is the link to the products I will use once I get over the fear,  http://preview.tinyurl.com/boweldetox

Now my big hurtle this coming week will be a house guest from France. I know we will be eating out but I'm going to try to get in more exercise this week. 

Anyone out there having some progress? What if anything are you doing differently?  

I'm also trying to give up all sweets except chocolate. I love soda it seems to help with digestion but I'm working hard on giving that bad habit up. I have many other hurtles to conquer. I do love good fresh food so I feel some serious hope. 

Day... Uh...4?

Hard. Detecting an unfortunate theme. Off to bed.

Day 3: Nearly Had a Nervous Breakdown

The end.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS DID have a shaved ice. It was FUCKING AWESOME.

Day 2: Today was fucking hard

Fuck. So far this is turning out to be much harder than last time. I just want to surround myself with comfort food. Easy, tasty food that I didn't have to make. Trays of cinnamon rolls, boxes of donuts, bags of candy, fridge packs of soda.

I think when you struggle with the responsibilities of adulthood-- working outside of the home when you don't want to, spouse with a stressful job, bills and debt piling up-- giving in to junk food cravings is the easiest and most immediately rewarding way to say "Screw up, I'm throwing up my hands, no more being responsible right now. I'm getting what I want, right now."

That may be a psychological binging breakthrough, but I'm too tired to analyze it right now. Too bad I don't have the time, money, and energy for therapy.

About You

If you're here to post, please tell us about yourself! What you're here for, and what we can do to help. Do you need to be kicked repeatedly in the ass or just cheered on, etc. I'll post soon.

Day One

Too tired to post... dropping in to make sure I post at least once a day... longer post tomorrow... zzzzzz

Nexus of Evil

Is located at the intersection of Liberty and Mays in Round Rock, Texas.

On the Northwest corner: the most delicious donuts... EVER: Round Rock Donuts. The Cinnamon Twists and Fried Cinnamon Rolls are not to be missed, but the Chocolate Covered Round Rocks are the most delicious, dark, chocolatey confection ever.

Whoopsies, how did that get in there?

And on the Southeast corner: the most perfectly shaved, perfectly syruped, perfectly perfect shaved ice: Kawaii's.

Both of these establishments thoughtfully installed drive-thrus, providing a handy shortcut between Me Now and Me With Sticky Fingers And Five Bucks Lighter.

Stress, Continued. Because It's Not Going Away, Damnit.

Still waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting to see if this will be OK. It's playing hell on my eating. Stress makes my brain not function. Food is rotting in the house, I can't THINK to prepare meals, half the time my appetite is zilch, the rest of the time I'm downing donuts and shaved ice.

Tomorrow I'll try to get us to the store to get some more good food, and I'll try to make it for us. I can't even think. I'm done thinking for now.

Ssssstttttrrrrreeeeesssssssss

The company I work for just got bought out. The new one looks good, but what if they suck? What if the area manager's a dick? What if I can't get as many sits, or have to drive farther, or get fired because I refuse to work certain days?

Balls.

Oh, Hi There ... Whoops

So, I dropped off the face of the earth. Sorry about that. My kiddo got two illnesses back-to-back and I haven't been to the gym for two weeks and I'm not feeling all that healthy. However, the rumblings in my digestive tract are telling me that tonight's meal was, indeed, high in fiber (ahem), and I swear and vow and swear again that I'll go to the gym tomorrow. In fact, I'll lay out my clothes tonight. Except that I have to take G. to the dentist in the morning, and don't really want to go in my stretch pants. Hm. I'll figure it out -- swear, vow, swear: You heard me, so it's got to be done now, right? Right?

In other news, my husband has to go on a business trip for the whole week of my birthday! I have my mom lined up to come one night, and she's going to babysit so an old friend and I can go out on my actual b-day, so in truth, the b-day needs are taken care of ... it's the rest of the week as a single parent that I'm not looking forward to. Sigh.

Hey Ladies!!!

visit my blog and read about the 5k I picked as my goal race :)

http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2009/07/susan-g-komen-for-cure-aaaa-central.html

first day to 5k

I didn't want to

the whole way driving home from Tampa (yes, I got a frosty and a small fry), I was contemplating how tired I was and how I really didn't feel like breaking out the treadmill...

But, the whole way TO Tampa this morning I listened to several versions of "Couch to 5k" podcasts to find the one that would motivate me the most.

I think I've decided on a combination of all 3 podcasts I DL'd from iTunes. I have to hit the treadmill 3 times a week so I'll just alternate options so I don't get bored.

So today was my first day...I actually did ALL the intervals except for the very last running interval and felt pretty good. If someone had been there yelling at me, I may have done the final interval too...but I did get a wee bit nauseous during my after session stretch so I probably did a good job listening to my body.

Heck...I didn't think I'd make it near as far as I did

I thought for sure I'd have to quit half way through

I thought for sure I'd have to do more walking than jogging during the faster intervals...but I didn't :)

So I'll have to find a local 5k to participate in as a goal and celebration

and maybe this potato will be ready for a bikini

I thought I gained

but turned out I actually lost a pound while in Texas

go figure :)

really GO FIGURE!

yes, i'm still on the "like my shape" kick

Screw The Plan For A Day

I'm going to eat birthday cake!

And birthday ice cream. And birthday soda. And whatever else this birthday wants to throw at me.

Viva la July 23rd!

horseback riding

sigh

eating

sigh

in TX and get to see A tomorrow

YAY

treadmill waiting for me when I get back to FLA

i'm done eating now

self correcting tomorrow

back on the horse

:)

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

everyone thinking of The Shining now?

creepy kid riding down the long hallway on a big wheel?

Okay...I blog more of my insides about my compulsive overeating disorder here but I will share that these past few days have sucked

I even sleepate

yeah

I got up, walked to the kitchen, ate 4 handfulls of flamin cheetos and a little debbie's cosmic brownie then went back to bed

I thought I dreamt it

but see I'm Gluten Intolerant...so it wasn't long before the porcelain gods told me otherwise...

My boobs are heavy, hot and sore

and I'm eating

everything in sight

no sign of stopping

no sign of even FEELING full

the backs of my elbows have taken on the look of a young pudgy girls knees

the cellulite has drifted even further south (really? calves with cottage cheese good GAWD)

I've been mindful of screwing up

Now...

I'm still proud of the things that have happened for me internally over the past 3 months or so (back when I started seeing a counselor)

and I know my food episodes revolve around my menses cycle

(dammit)

I get one really great week of low hunger, mindful eating, positive body image

a week of ovulation, a week of pms, and a week of flow ... yup

I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last year at this time

and I really wanted to be 15 lbs lighter back then

So I really wanna lose 35 lbs

My epiphany this month?

I don't like my size

but I love my shape

that's been my mantra

it really is a TRUE statement

it's easier to focus on the truth

By a fluke gift from God, I get to fly to TX this week for work

so YAY I get to see my BFF

Good damn thing too...

coz I need a booster shot!

So...when I get back

The treadmill will be in it's new home on the porch (I love our porch so that's a good place for it).

I've downloaded a few podcast versions of "couch to 5k" that I'm gonna preview on the plane to and from TX.

And that will be my goal

I may even get brave and post pics on my blog.

Heck...it's not a "visited by millions" blog anyway so why not :)

My Favorite Fruit

Grapes. Black cherries. Watermelons and strawberries mixed together (aka Tiger's Blood).

I'm also mighty fond of blue raspberries.

On July 17, 2009, Blogger Becomes Self Aware

And terminates Babs' authoring capabilities.

Anyone else been eliminated? I'll send you a re-invite.

I'm All Alone, PS

In case you didn't know:

Asparayuck

Here's what I made for dinner the other night (courtesy of Pillsbury's Fast and Healthy Cookbook. I can't address the Healthy cause I'm a nutritional dumbass like that, but if by Fast they meant Painfully Slow then yes. Yes indeed.):


Light and Lemony Chicken

Rice

3 cups hot cooked instant rice [when a supposedly healthy cookbook doesn't even specify brown over white rice, it's time to start worrying]

Sauce

2/3 cup ready-to-serve fat-free chicken broth with 1/3 less sodium
1 tsp lite soy sauce
1 tsp grated lemon peel
1/4 cup lemon juice
(I got a lemon and it gave me enough peel but not enough juice, doing it by hand)
1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp cornstarch
dash pepper

Stir-fry

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves, cut into bite-size strips
8 green onions, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 lb. fresh asparagus spears, trimmed, cut into 1-inch pieces (3 cups)
2 cups frozen baby cut carrots

1. While rice is cooking, in small bowl, combine all sauce ingredients; mix well. Set aside.

2. Spray large nonstick skillet or wok with nonstick cooking spray. Heat over high heat until hot. Add chicken and onions; cook and stir until chicken is lightly browned and no longer pink. Remove skillet from heat; place chicken and onions on plate.

3. Spray skillet again with cooking spray. Heat over high heat about 1 minute. Add asparagus and carrots; cook and stir 3 to 4 minutes or until vegetables are crisp-tender.

4. Return chicken and onions to skillet. Stir sauce well; pour over chicken and vegetables. Cook and stir just until sauce thickens. Serve over rice.

The verdict is an official Meh.

Hubs and The Kid thought it was OK but weren't big fans of the asparagus or carrots. It has been suggested that next time I replace the asparagus with bell peppers, and maybe celery.

Me, I can't stand most cooked veggies, so I just picked out the chicken and ate it over rice. That's dedication for ya.

So here's what I wonder: what cruel, petty god cursed me with this set of taste buds?

I did that test thingy where you put some sugar substitute in some water and see if it tastes sweet or bitter to you and bam! Supertaster! This is hard science, people. Physical proof that cooked vegetables make me want to hork.

Or something like that.

Most of them taste eerily similar to me, just different shades of the same flavor: Horror. Peas, broccoli, carrots, asparagus, blah blah blah HORK. I can't even stand the smell.

I can only conclude I pissed off someone powerful in a past life.

PS. Onions though? Rawk!

Let the Flaggelation Begin

I hereby formally request any and all of you beat me mercilessly if I fail to post here at least a few times a week. Cause you know what? If I'm not blogging here, I'm not succeeding in my Days (hereby lengthened from thirty).

Lani? Shannon? Erin? Melia? Haven't seen y'all post in a long time.

IIIII'm All Aloooooone,

There's no one heeeere
to guide me.

IIII'm all aloooooone,
there's no one heeeeere
besi-ide me-eeeee.

Don't leave, y'all. I need you to kick my ass. It's sad over here, real sad.

mindful mindlessness

I haven't been mindful

I haven't been "bad" either but I know I haven't been present

everyone is back (all the kids from their various travels last week) and I've probably been more focused on how well that is working out rather than how I am doing

I've been annoyed

I ate an extra square of pizza at PizzaFusion last night because of it

today I spoke about it

I don't know that I've necessarily eaten too much (according to portion standards)

but I do know that if I was present while eating, I wouldn't have eaten as much as I did

Thirty Days

Yes indeed, we've made it thirty days. It's been a rocky road. Lots of success, lots of failure. YOU guys have amazed me. My first two weeks were amazing. Hella hard, but I DID it. The last two+ weeks have sucked donkey balls. Hairy, linty ones. I don't know what happened, really. I think I broke down and had a little bit of junky food, and that was powerful enough to make me feel wasted, tired, uninspired. I've also been working a lot and that's really hard because I work around dinner time and if I let myself get hungry that's when all hell breaks loose, so what I really, really need to do is plan and work ahead enough that dinner is ready before I leave, and/or bring healthy snacks with me. O' course that takes energy. I was totally going to do it yesterday but something came up. Today! Today.

Twenty Questions

Is it hot? Greasy? Salty? Fresh? Comes in a bag? I didn't have to make it? Minimal cleanup? Healthy?

If the answer was yes to all of these except the last one, you may have correctly guessed Wendy's 1/2 Pounder With Cheese and Large Fries.

It's been a rough couple weeks. I'm trying to get back on the wagon.

I think I need an intervention or something. And an ankle monitoring bracelet.

And a therapist.

my curtain call

i have noticed that my body, mind, and soul are asking for more space. i want to create space. i find myself purging much like babs. i haven't touched my wardrobe (there's not much in there to begin with) but i've caught myself going through old files, craft supplies, kitchen cabinets, everywhere else in my physical surroundings to create space. i'm creating space in my body (gotta love reiki).

space, space, space. the more i create it the more i want it. call me a space junkie.

then i realized just how much of my time is consumed by al gore's internets. i follow more blogs than i can keep up with. instead of savoring the ones that call to me on a particular day, i find myself hastily clicking through each one for the sheer sake of saying i got through them.

so why am i opting to end this part of my journey? well, after all, the 30 days have come and gone so i guess, technically, i'm not under any obligation to remain. but more importantly this is a lesson i want to learn because i find i don't like closures, i don't like goodbyes, i don't like endings. given, i'm in the thick of it right now because of our decision to put our dog to sleep tomorrow, but take that out of the equation and i still want to practice my endings and i feel safe enough to do it here.

so i leave you with some classic ABBA:

cleaning my closet

I've spent this week purging

my closet

It was hard a couple of days ago as I pulled things out that I love(d?) but that no longer fit

I have no doubt they'll fit again, but they don't now and therefore are cluttering my space

I dreamed of a clothes pawn

a place I could bring the things I love(d) to for a bit of cash but could get them back if I fit into them by a certain agreed upon time

If I didn't, I lost them

But then I decided it was time to let them go

I had a greater good

I was bringing them to Plato's Closet to sell, I'd get store credit and give it to my young one to spend on school clothes...it made it easier to let go.

I kept my inspiration shirt,

an awesome pair of pants that were bought WITH the inspiration shirt, and a pair of jeans...I had about 5 pairs of jeans...figured the "saved" pair would be my "you're here...now shop" pair.

Turns out the Closet didn't want a lot of what I brought

I wound up with just shy of 20 bucks

which works...because this weekend they have a "fillabagwithclearanceitemsfor20buckssale" so I'll let the wee one get a jump start on school shopping

But the bag is still in my trunk

it's not coming back in

i'll find someplace else for it to go

but the vacuum has been created in my space

and it is calling the new me

Today is 30

right

didn't we start this escapade on June 8th or somewhere thereabouts

so how are we feeling

I know I'm better than where I started

I know this how?

Because now, instead of wanting to lose weight because I don't like my body

I want to lose weight to feel comfortable in my body

there's a difference

It's not because I want to wear the skinny jeans (funny, I originally typed sinny jeans)

It's because I want to feel comfortable, when I sit, when I stand, when i wear shorts, when I run around in the yard with my kids

it's not a size

it's a feeling

and that'd definitely better

I also know this because not long before I started this adventure with you fellow beauties, I ate enough food for 4 people in one sitting...alone

and tonight, while out with the hub, we intentionally ordered enough food for 4 people (coz someone else foot the bill) and tasted and sampled each course

and I don't think I even ingested the equivalent of what one person would've eaten

we enjoyed our night out AND we have left overs galore for tomorrow

that's progress

So does tomorrow start another 30?

What's your intention?

What will you do differently

What will you do the same

It's okay to call a mulligan...after all, you're still in the game :)

My goals for this 30?

continued mindfulness

and moving 30 minutes a day for 3 days each week

Smurdlod

This week has been an exercise in mindfulness for me

Non-judgemental awareness

And so far I've been quite proud of what I've been able to be aware of

Mostly, as it pertains to food, I've been mindful of whether or not I'm "actually" hungry.

That's a interesting one for me because I don't always eat when I'm hungry...in fact when I binge, I'm the furthest thing from hungry but I never feel full so again...this has been an interesting exercise.

I can't explain it any other way than mindful, maybe "intellectual" ??

like...I 'know' I'm not really hungry because I just ate lunch an hour ago so why do I want to eat

at times I've realized I'm bored

one time I realized I just didn't like the taste in my mouth

I've also been applying the strategy while I eat

checking in to see how I'm feeling during my meal

this one has floored me because I've truly eaten about 2/3 LESS than I would've a week ago

I've pushed food away (even thrown it out...gasp!)

I've not really changed the KINDS of food I'm eating so I'm not necessarily being UberDietWoman and living off of carrot sticks and grapes...which has been nice because I'm not feeling deprived.

I guess I'm having what I want, when I truly want it, and having just enough of it to satisfy the want.

Now lest you think I'm doing this perfectly...pop over to my blog and read the popcorn fiasco from the other day...mindfulness doesn't mean mistake free!

Tonight the hub and I are going on a date

I won a $125 dining certificate and we're hitting Bob Marley's-A Tribute to Freedom. I've checked the menu and there are tons of yummy things to eat. (I'm going for the Summer Down appetizer, Manchester Lamb Entree, and Boston Bay for dessert.) We have $125 bucks to spend (and that doesn't include alcohol) so we've already decided to sample a bunch of things with a "taste here and a taste there."

Oddly enough...I'm not scared by that thought

I'm actually really excited

Maybe it's the "i didn't have to pay for it so I don't have to clean my plate" mentality

Maybe it's the practice in being mindful and the going in prepared

The wii says I'm down 2.4lbs this week

We'll see what the average is at the end of the week because if there's one thing I've learned in my weight loss carreer is that i fluctuate up and down within a spectrum of 8lbs in a month so I'm a trend line kind of girl not a day to day kind of girl

But I've wii'd

I've juiced

I've been mindful

and this will be the 2nd date with my hub this week :)

My doldrums were definitely oppressive last week

I decided to be intentional about at least one thing per day so I could feel a sense of accomplishment (whether it was weight related or not)

and i'm feeling better this week

Doldrums

Feeling like I'm in the healthy living doldrums right now. Holiday weekend, sick kid, emotional stuff going on (may or may not be related to PMS) ... just all kind of bleh. I did find out that although I enjoy Barilla Pasta Plus as a hot dish, it does not make the best cold pasta salad, which made it kind of a waste of homemade pesto, sundried tomatoes and asparagus. We diligently ate it anyway. Again, bleh.

Hey Angel, is Mercury in retrograde right now? I'm having some weird interpersonal communication snafus that I can't really chalk up to anything specific. So, while I'm not coping with food that I can discern, I'm also not energetically pursuing exercise. Only went once last week, and with a sick child, this week's not looking much better. I went today, so that's something. Also, screw this effing weather. When 99 is a break from the heat, I've had about as much as I can stand. I usually don't feel this way until August. Say it with me: bleh.

How's everyone else doing? Have we hit the proverbial plateau in this enterprise. How shall we overcome it?

my kind of love handles

check out these two cuties on my hips



when hubs and kiddo were looking at the pictures, hubs said, "oh your mama isn't going to like this one" so i hurried from the kitchen to see what he was talking about.

my reply: "what are you talking about? look at my great smile."

not bad considering that it was 98 degrees at 8 pm and i had an extra 65 pounds straddled to my hips (damn, if weight would only slide off me as easily as those 2 kids did).

i could have overanalyzed the photo and pointed out all the things "wrong" with it (according to my definition) but i won't let my eyes get past the smile as not to ruin the minute spark of positive self-esteem that i feel when i look at it.

Get your post-its out ladies

While waiting for my counseling appointment...I read an article about this http://operationbeautiful.com/ in the paper

good stuff :)

The article was actually about this woman http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/, but she got so much traffic to her site she started operation beautiful to handle all the "postings"

the weight-ing is the hardest part

now that we all have tom petty in our heads....

how is it that...

i don't feel 165 pounds (okay, i don't feel 135 either but not 165)
i think 165 pounds should wear more than a size 14
yet when i look at myself (in a picture that hubby snuck which i promplty deleted) i think "holy shit, i'm really THAT big????"

go figure. so now i totally doubt myself. am i seeing myself through those body-distortion-image glasses? or am i REALLY seeing myself as i am?

grumblemuttergrumblemutter

What I've learned...and the week isn't even over

this started out as a comment to e's mama...but it's probably too long for that

I've learned that I really can't do anything for 30 days

wasn't that the tag line...we can do ANYTHING for 30 days?

okay...i take it back, I can be mindful and recognize what I can and cannot do

I've been mindful that I haven't always done what I set out to do

and I guess that's something

I've also realized that today, I wish I were where I was 6 months ago, and 6 months ago I wished I were where I was 6 months before that and I always wish I were where I was post ww...and when I was there, in every instance, I still wasn't happy with the shape I was in. (previous post validates that I am happy with the shape that I am...but not always the shape I am in)

So today...I realize that there is the REAL possibility that 6 months from now I will be longingly looking at the size I am now (the one I currently can stand).

So today, I appreciate where I am and somewhere inside I know that is a start

I'm sure I am not where I was because I never appreciated what I had accomplished

So today, I love where I am and honor where I am and focus on the shape that I am instead of the shape I am in.

I'm gonna go make some juice now

Then the day is packed with things that build up my daughter and light the mama spark in me

and I'm gonna wear my awesome gypsy skirt and a funky skater T and my fave chunky jewelry and be the bohemian-crunchy-skatepunk mom I know that I am...heck maybe I'll even throw in a little kitsch while I'm at it

Have a great day ladies!

(a...I always wish I had bought that awesomely cheesy christmas tree dress from that antique place in Austin...i SWEAR if I ever come across one again it's MINE and our family's christmas tree will forever be a kitschy mannequin!)

all right peeps, roll call

what's going on?

our company just started three different fitness programs to run july 1 - october 1. all self reporting, all voluntary. i'm going to do two of them for kicks: the biggest loser and healthy living. here's the thing: the prizes are going to be drawn randomly, everything is anonymous, and it's based on "participation, not results." i don't totally understand how that's supposed to motivate me but what the heck.

angel

Checking In

I was in Alabama this past week visiting my grandparents. Glad to see everyone's still trucking along. Traveling can be detrimental to any kind of food plan, but this time wasn't bad, and we did a lot of work, cleaning out a shed for my grandma. I also did 25 mins. on their exercise bike another day, so all in all, not a total loss.

I did discover that after "fibering up" for a while, there's a backlash if you stop ... you get the picture. Although I tend to be a little constipated when I travel, so maybe that was it. Anyway, I'm kind of glad that tomorrow is Monday and the week/schedule can begin. I feel more in charge of my food/excercise destiny that way.

Karen, it was awesome to see your post about forgiving yourself and getting back on the wagon. That's all we can do, you know? Perfection is not the goal.

eh, nothing good, nothing bad

this week was a stalemate. didn't feel like working out wednesday and realized why: i ate like crap that day....lots of refined sugar....and i had no energy. then friday i had 3 packages of those little debbie things while at work (and the handful of hershey's kisses). when i'm bored = i eat. i'm often bored at work therefore i eat. anyone have a little bit of lotto money left over so i don't have to work and eat?

didn't go the gym friday either because i opted to go work in the community garden at my kid's school. i figured i was going to sweat just as much (even at 7 pm!) and i did. i felt more productive since i was also contributing some TLC to the garden and came home with a nice mini-watermelon to boot.

today is the hubby's birthday. he asked for a chocolate cake. good. because i don't like chocolate cake. i'll probably have a very small piece. i KNOW i'll have a very small piece. i WILL have a very small piece. and i'm not buying ice cream to go with it because i know i would eat the whole quart if given the opportunity. he didn't ask for ice cream so, whew!

everyone ready for the nice cold front we're supposed to get? only 99 degrees today. woo hoo! break out the parkas. god, i can't wait for october.

angel

I'm still here!!!

Shit, I keep forgetting about this blog. But! Things are good. Normally when I disappear from something like this, it's because I fell off the wagon, am in denial, and hiding in shame. Not this time! I've just been busy living. And the living is good! I'm 9lbs down, eating lots of fresh fruit and veggies, and wearing tank tops. The wearing tank tops part is huge. In the past, I'd shy away from tank tops, swimsuits, and anything that showed too much skin because I was terrified of showing my flab. (Like you couldn't tell if it was there if I had on a cardigan!) Anyhow, the flab is certainly still there but my attitude has changed. I am who I am RIGHT NOW and there's no need to hide that under layers when it's 107 fucking degrees outside. I'm wearing a strappy sundress in size 16 right now and loving it.

what i've learned THIS week

when I don't feed my body what my 37 year old self knows it needs

my former selves take over and eat what they want

I've spent the past two days with a stomach bug of some sort

I didn't feel like getting up and juicing although juice probably would've been the BEST thing I could've done

By 10pm last night I was SO hungry I ate two (count em 2!) rice krispie treats and a little debbie brownie...things that I shouldn't eat (not because they're taboo but because the f-me up badly).

My former self said...well nothing is staying down or in anyway so why not go ahead and have the party in your mouth for a while

ugh

I've lost track of what day of the 30 we're on

but I do know that dirt under my finger nails from the garden and pulp from the juicing machine are two physical, tangible things that make me feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself I'm physically satisfied. And when I'm physically satisfied, my 37 year old self wins.

I'm a bit nervous about today

today I drive Bm to a weekend summer camp about 2 hrs from here

the same stretch of road where my last binge occurred

There was even a little voice reminding me that a milkshake, ooh and maybe some fries to go with it, would be a nice treat

Really? No

So I've juiced an amazing juice, carrots, arugula, celery, pear, apple and a lemon...which would probably be even more so amazing had I not brushed my teeth first. And Karen, I don't remember where I read it but there really IS something in raw fruits and veggies that tells the brain it is satisfied. I'm half way through my cup, and I'm full. My mouth is happy, my tummy is satisfied. I think my former me is pouting in the corner because she wanted a milkshake, but we'll have the 2 hr drive on the way back home to talk all of that out.

Something else I've learned

I love my shape

I've had the opportunity to see it often these past few days as I passed the mirror high tailing it to the bathroom. I like the area from my shoulders to my hip bones, quite alluring I think

That's a step in the right direction

Kinda like seeing the me that's under there...she's not under there, she's there

So I've learned to recognize her too...my former me and my future me.

If my scale doesn't move through this 30 days

I'll still be happy

:)

17 hrs and counting

i've had a stomach uch since 3am

i joked with the hub and said "this better earn me my skinny jeans"

but really...I'm just ready to eat something

I want to chew

I tried some banana chips (since I can't have crackers)

and they were good, but they didn't last in me very long

ugh

Failure, Krispy Kreme Is Thy Name

And wouldn't you know it, Failure tastes just as good as I remember.

Afterward, I was more ashamed than I had thought I would be.

But after that, I actually felt better and stronger than I had thought I would. I hadn't realized (or I did, but subconsciously smothered the realization so it wouldn't stop me from getting the donuts) that I was actually afraid that if I screwed up once, I wouldn't be able to get back on the wagon. That it would actually be all over from there, this journey would be killed and I'd be back in that place, that awful place I was two weeks ago.

Oh, how sweet, how freeing, how powerful it is to know that this time, it's different. For sure. Because I can screw up, and then after that I can pick myself back up, dust myself off, and haul my ass back onto that wagon.

I'm back in a good frame of mind. Today for lunch, I had a salad. I don't have salads for meals, people. But I had a salad, a big one. And when I was still hungry after? I had a banana and a handful of walnuts.

I am going to do this.

I am going to do this.

I AM doing this.

The first time I played, I really sucked...

...but they made me try, and I won

direct quote from my middleone as he plays with the wii waiting for grandma to come get him and his brother to hit the midnight showing of Transformers.

First time I ______, I really sucked...but they made me try, and I won.

Sounds like a good mantra

it may need lipstick and a mirror

I want a food processor

anyone have one in the recesses of her kitchen cabinets that she wouldn't miss if it were gone?

I may lurk on Craigslist for a while

So many of the Raw Recipes I want to try require a food processor

and I really DO use my juicer every day...so it wouldn't be a dust catching appliance

and since we got rid of the microwave, we have room

I guess that's one thing I've slacked on is trying a new raw recipe each week

I've tried new raw foods...like making myself eat avocado or a new type of sashimi and although i've bookmarked some great recipes, I haven't actually made anything yet

Thursday...I'm doing that :)

getting closer every day

just adding this song because it's in my head today




took a good look at my schedule since it's started this summer. kid in new school. MUCH closer and on my beaten path. realized how less stressed i am now that we have a shorter commute (my house to school to work in less than 30 minutes whereas old commute was 40 minutes just to school) . i've had to adjust my work schedule and start 30 minutes later because of the school's summer program. realized how much more i like having those 30 minutes to ourselves. like it so much that i've decided it will be a permanent change in my schedule come fall. from 29 hours a week (the max number of hours i can work at my position) to 27.5 a week. i hemmed and hawed because we'll lose a couple of hundred dollars a month over that small decrease in hours but i FELT so good as i saw that new schedule that i realized the decrease in stress far outweighs the financial adjustment. money isn't everything, even when everyone needs it.

also felt proud of myself for figuring out a way to get in a workout FIVE DAYS A WEEK in the fall. i already have 3 days guaranteed (hubby gets TThSat and I get MWF). But, just by letting kiddo stay an hour later after school twice a week (costing me only an extra $13 a week), i have time to go work out. the bonus is that it will happen on my two "solo parenting days" and those are the two days where i always neglect to find time for myself. but now i've gifted myself with exactly what i need on those long days.

not related: yesterday i was craving a chick pea-cucumber-parsley salad so i made one this morning for lunch and loved it. felt really good to be able to go out into our garden and snip a few sprigs of parsley to put in it. yum. i think tonight calls for cucumber and mashed potato sandwiches (insert smile directed at b).

i know, ramble ramble ramble. hopefully this touches someone.

no expectations

I went on the hunt for a swim suit today. God bless Academy. $122 later I came home with 2 workout capris, two tank shirts, a sports bra, 2 bathing suit bottoms, and one Life is Good bag (my impulse treat to myself). Yes, ladies, I have something I can wear in the water. Make that TWO somethings and the possibility of three combinations depending on what I mix and match to wear. Notice I said "something I can wear in the water" and not a bathing suit because it's, technically, not a complete suit. The bottoms are but the tops are put together by moi: I found two tank shirts that I really like (one that matches both bottoms) and a simple sports bra that can hold the puppies afloat and *almost* doesn't make it look like I have a uni-boob. I was proud of myself for realizing that (1) I don't like the tightness of a traditional swimsuit top and (2) I just wanted SOMETHING to wear in the water so I can go in. This is m.o.n.u.m.e.n.t.a.l. for me.

I was so good to myself in the dressing room. I didn't compliment or criticize my body. I just saw it for what it is. I was, surprisingly, very objective. I didn't balk at the sizes. I tried them on. Camel toe here, too baggy in the back there. Next. Next. Next. When I found the workout capris that were oh so comfy, I got two different colors. Can't say that I'll be wearing shorts to Sedona in September but I have something that I'm comfortable in, won't sweat to death in, and look decent in (plus, they'll keep me from burning my legs on the rocks!).

Funny, when I got in the car, I immediately starting taking mental note of what I should sacrifice since I splurged on the L.I.G. bag. Then I stopped myself. I don't need to give up something just because I got something. It's okay to have that indulgence. I do it for others. Now it's time to do it for me.

I was momentarily deflated when I went home to hubby and said, "I have an early birthday surprise for you." (this Friday) "I have something to wear in the water!!!!!" with a big toothy grin on my face. I thought he would have been more excited seeing that he is always offering unsolicited fashion advice and that I've avoided anything remotely wet other than the shower for 2 years. But eh, screw it. So when I showed him what I bought, I told him up front, "I don't want to hear anything critical from you when I show you what I bought. I'm really proud of the fact that I came home with something and don't want to be dragged down right now." He complied. :)

I've come to realize these 30 days are not about weight loss for me. It's about getting closer to balance. Less time on the computer. More time reading (b, I finished our Sedona book swap book...yipee!!!!). I don't necessarily sleep better but I recall my dreams more often. I'm uncovering hidden gifts that I brushed aside and didn't use. I love that the hammock has become a sacred place for me and my kid. That he asks for us to go sit in it almost daily. That we sit out there in the shadow of our house at 5 pm, when it's 99 degress outside but the warm breeze makes it bearable so we never truly feel hot. And we just sit there with very little movement or words for an hour. Just me and him.

I still struggle with temper flares sometimes. When that happens, I've learned that I'm either hungry, tired, or haven't done something exclusively for myself today--like shower (or a combo of all three). I still get unnerved when my son beckons, for the 342nd time in less three hours, "mama, play with me" when we HAVE been playing but I've taken a 4 minute break to unload the dryer or stack the dishwasher. I still get weepy and, for a nanosecond, think "Oh God, is the depression coming back?" then I realize it's not a sad weepy, it's a this-is-progress weepy. A good, coming back to center kind of weepy.

The intuitive art class didn't pan out tonight but I'm glad, in a way, because I still did something nurturing. And I still worked out after shopping. I didn't jog today. My body didn't ask for a jog. She asked for a nice, steady, slightly sweat inducing 30 minute walk. And that's what she got. I don't owe anyone a jog, not even myself. I owe it to my body to listen to her.

Lately, I've eaten without thinking. I don't mean mindless eating. I mean having a donut and not mentally beating myself up for it. Just being with the food...whatever it is that I want...and noticing that I haven't binged in over week. Not commending myself on good choices, not berating myself with less than stellar choices. Just being with the choices. I've lowered my expectations of myself, which is a terrific thing because I have a habit of putting the bar so high that I will always fail. So today was a good day.

And that is my monologue for tonight.

Holla!

Give me a check in, mamas. We're over the starting hump, don't let's loose steam now.

ughhh and ahhh all in the same day

today is good

juiced

packed up the bikes and went for a ride (off road and bike trail) with the hub and Bm

visited my dad and the hub made us all a great lunch while the pops and i jabbered with our hands

i felt good in my helmet and bike shorts

NO, i didn't look good in my bike shorts but there's something about all the gear that reminds me of when I used to hit the trail for 20 mile rides like it was nuttin

and I love cycling

so it was good

ughhhhh

because my arms are fat

dammit

large blouses swallow me

but medium blouses

well the arms are just too damn small

if there's a button, i have to unbutton

if there's no button, i'm S.O.L.

this is new for me

I don't like it

I choose the ahh instead of the ughh

finishing my glass of wine (in my nifty wine glass with the blue stem)

and headed to the grocery store

HOLY SHIT

I weighed myself today.

And I have lost about six pounds this week.

I just... can't... believe... so amazing... this is just... how... I can't... no words to describe... they should've sent a poet.

YES, dammit, YES

I went to the gym par usual tonight. Decided that instead of alternating my walk with my jog, I would make the jog stretch a little longer. So I took my current jog (6/10 of a mile...and yes, I know that's not broken down to the LCD) and did it in three 2/10 of a mile jogs. Jog #2 and I WAS IN MY ZONE!!!!! Donna Summer blaring MacArthur Park in my ears and I felt like the puma in the old school Animalympics cartoon. I WAS HOT!!! Literally and figuratively. I didn't complete my final jog set. My body said slow down so I did. And I gave myself a slightly longer cool down period than usual. I made sure I stretched well after it all. And I pray I don't get one of those dang heat headaches. I had sweatdrops falling on my decoulette. My face was beet red (which is always the case when I work out hard). Ladies, I was almost in tears. Seriously. I ROCKED!

One thing I don't do at the gym: look in the mirror. What I see is not me. It's the Used To Be Me molting as the Me Me gets closer and closer to the surface.

And I was home by 8:15 (did you catch that, b? wink)

angel

This is why success is not measured by avoiding failure

I struggle with compulsive overeating

Food is my drug of choice

I'm working on the reasons for that now

I had a great week according the the principles I laid out for my 30 days

I did not lay out impossible things to avoid because honestly, I do not know yet why I am attracted to them so intensely

When I eat out of emotion, it is definitely NOT because I'm hungry, or craving, or have a taste for something or any rational, conscious reason

This happened before I truly took hold of my day

I accept this

I'm admitting to this (even telling my hub)

I am working on the reasons for this

I stopped this (today)

Then I juiced (orange juice is actually AWESOME if you leave the peel ON)

drove my son to his friend's house for a sleep over

and cut back the azaleas

I felt a wee bit sad for this last thing...but only for a moment

we didn't plant them

they were here when we bought the house

they were planted too close to the house

they've NEVER bloomed

the cuttings will be great food for the compost bin AND the soil where they were is nice and rich! Perfect for some more edibles

I'm working on a healthier me

One Week!

Holy shit, mamas! How do you feel? Are you glad you're doing this? Are you at peace, or all you all in a tizzy? Are you feeling success? Are you proud of you?

I want to know:

• How did Erin's babysitting night go?
  
• Is Shannon feeling fuller at mealtime with smaller, fiber-rich meals?
  
• Is Angel a step closer to her new skirt?
  
• Is Melia closing in on her five-a-day fruits and veggies?
  
• What does Babs' husband think of all the sex?!
  
• What happened to Lani???
  

As for me, well. Let me just say NO SODAS OR JUNK BINGES FOR ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Previous Stats:

Weight: ugly
Energy level: dismal
Eating habits: nauseating

Current Stats:
Weight: hoping for ugly minus one. I don't actually have a scale (unpacked from the move 11 months ago) here at home, but I weighed myself at my Mom's house last week (hi Mom!) and will do so again tomorrow. My fingers are crossed super judo pretzel zen twisty tie style.
Energy level: not quite as dismal
Eating habits: awesome in comparison

Things I'm afraid to voice aloud in case it jinxes them:

Arms: maybe a wee bit less plump???
Energy level: approaching something closer to human???
Mood swings: somewhat more even keeled???
Waking Up In the Morning: possibly slightly less difficult???

No matter WHAT happens in the journey ahead, I am so, so glad I came this far. I DID it. I haven't done quite as well as I wanted, but I DID it. NO sodas. NONE of the junk on my Nix list. Healthier, regular meals? Check. Getting out with The Boy more? Check. Massive mind struggle against heavyweight cravings? Check. Success??? CHECK.

Let us celebrate with a little Evolution of Dance, just because it feels soooo good.

what i've learned

juicing makes me feel satisfied

my body craves raw food and in the case of fruits and vegetables, it's definitely better for you

steam 'em maybe but defintely DON'T nuke em...we got rid of our microwave 3 months ago (and our 14 year old JUST noticed a week or 2 ago)

When you do things your kids wanna do instead of what you THINK your kids wanna do, you have to remember you're doing it for THEM

When you remember why you're doing it, you wanna do it too...and it feels good

Fingers in the dirt feels good

watching lil sprouts reach for the sun feels even better (look closely in front of the aloe, those are our new strawberries)

7 nights in a row doesn't have to mean nights

I'm learning that we're probably not a nights-all-the-time kinda couple

actually...we're probably more afternoon-before-dinner kinda folks

it may be different if the hub were in on it...but for now he's not

maybe next month ;)

I am more than how I look in a bathing suit...but the apprehension around who I am in a bathing suit can still wither me away to nothing

Today I went from EVERYTHING to NOTHING in a matter of minutes

After a glorious morning planting our strawberries, bananas and our olive tree (which is currently a twig but has big aspirations)...feeling so very good, sharing time in the dirt with my hub (no that wasn't one of the seven) and BOTH of us sharing a sense of accomplishment in creating a nourishing home for our family ... absolutely glowing.

Then our afternoon plans changed

we aren't going canoeing (is there an e in that word?) we're just gonna go swimming at the springs

But but but

when we canoe I can wear my capris

when we swim, i can't

i don't have any shorts that fit that are conducive to swimming

my hub's board shorts are a tad too big

and i crumbled

i shrank so deep inside myself, hiding behind my heart chakra, I nearly cried

i sucked it up and went to the springs

had a too-close-encounter with a water moccasin

hated the feel of my thighs rubbing together as we walked to the top of the tubing run

then remembered why i was there

i was there to share time with my fam

my kids wanted to go, were digging for sharks teeth, were having fun

so i flipped the script...at which point my son pointed out...have you looked at everyone else around? He wasn't being derogatory to anyone, he was just pointing out that my measuring stick might be a bit skewed...and I actually looked better than the majority

he deserved a big ol hug for that

then I soaked in the sun, admired the ferns, felt the cool spring water run over my toes, and got bitten by a horse fly...being present is a cool thing

i have broken one rule and i have stepped on the scale

the numbers have not moved (which is neither positive nor negative)

but it doesn't really matter because my life is healthier for following the rest of my rules

hope everyone had a glorious Tuesday

disjointed

I'm having a hard time keeping up with this blog. I do read your posts and think "yes! I know exactly what you mean!" or "Awesome! less cottage cheese!" but then I get sidetracked and forget to comment.

Anyhow, I'm still here.

I've been eating lots of fresh fruits and veggies and walking 2 miles a day at least five days a week. I also bought a bike trailer with my babysitting money and am adding some biking to the daily routine.

I've had some huge stressors this past month with my kid starting a new school and my mom's cancer scare, and it has honestly been hard to not turn to food for comfort. It's amazing how raw I feel without being able to turn to food.

I had an ice cream cone tonight. It was delicious. But then I came home and made some popcorn with real butter. and a big handful of animal cookies. Not the end of the world but proof that eating sugar is a trigger for me.

I'm so tired. This post is all over the place. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I'll be back. Time to sleep.

I mentioned before that I'm on a fiber kick right now, trying to put a lot more of it into our meals. We already eat fairly healthy most days, but we eat too much, so I'm trying to put less fat and more fiber on the plate, meaning we're fuller faster and for longer. Here are some fiber-y things I really like that make it easy to add some to most meals: whole wheat couscous (in bulk at our HEB, which is the Pflugerville HEB, so it ain't fancy; plus couscous cooks in 5 mins.), Barilla Pasta Plus (much tastier than whole wheat pastas and has more protien), and quinoa (if you've never tried it, start with this recipe: http://www.livemom.com/2009/05/14/thursdays-dish-moms-quinoa-salad/ -- I swear you'll love it).

Also, I've been trying to eat more nuts, especially almonds, and more avocados. I know, lots of fat, but apparently our bodies use non-meat fats a lot more quickly/easily than those from meat and dairy. And by more, I mean a couple of handfuls of nuts in the afternoon and a half an avocado on a sandwich. Both are great because they have fat and fiber, so they're very filling.

I'm looking for a really good recipe for All-Bran muffins. I was shocked that the recipe is no longer on the cereal box. I tried one I found online, and it was okay, but not how I remember them from years ago. In the new ones, the All-Bran sort of stayed in its stick shape inside the muffin, which I found slightly creepy. In the old ones, I think I remember that you soaked the All-Bran in milk or something before adding it to the batter ... anyone?

Food addiction ... compulsive overeating ... body image issues ... yes, I totally relate to all of that. It really defined my life for many years, and I still struggle with parts of it, but I feel like I've overcome some facets of it. It took a lot of conscious work, maybe not as much as my friends who've had substance abuse issues, but it still took work. I recommended Overcoming Overeating before, and will again. I also saw an Austin therapist, Susan Bushong, who is now at this practice: http://www.nvgroup.com/home.html (there's an Eating Disorders link there).

I also had to forgive myself, and still do, for ... I don't know ... being me. Being imperfect. I had to stop the internal bashing and be kinder to myself. I made myself so unhappy focusing on all the things I wasn't (specifically thin). I had been overweight all my life, and finally realized that I could be fat and unhappy, or I could be fat and happy. I made a conscious decision to be happy with my very imperfect self, and it pretty much changed my life. I know this sounds all Oprah-y, and it was a very messy process involving divorce, a move and other life changes, but I believe my current happiness and the end of my compulsive overeating began when I made that decision. I still clean my plate at times, but I don't have that out-of-control feeling any more.

Now that I'm a parent, I want to be happy AND healthy, so I can be around and well for my child, and that's motivating me to exercise more and seek ways to eat healthier without making me and my family feel deprived.

I took care of me today

around 3:30 I saw a buttermint in my "junk cup" at work

went to reach for it and said

"you don't even want that, you're just going to grab it because it's there"

So I didn't

The hub called me on the way home to say

"hey, we're gonna wait for you to get home so we can all go shoot off rockets" (the boys built rockets today)

I knew Bm had the Court of Awards ceremony at GS and I wouldn't get dinner until after 8...well until after I made it when I got home at 8

so on my way home I called the hub

"hey, could you please make me a pb&j?" Toast my bread, my pb is on the top shelf and I like the mango jelly"

he did, it was good...hit the spot and kept me satisfied all the way through feeding the family and finding something for myself

i took care of me

avoided meltdown

avoided the "eating anything, even if it has gluten, coz i'm starving and gonna kill someone" place

:)

juiced

apple

uber yummy salad for lunch

lara bar

found an interesting raw key lime pie recipe (that uses avocados...so 2 birds one stone)

did something the BOYS wanted to do today (and had to duck and cover from falling rockets)

today is day 2

Can I do it again?

We managed our not eating out last week (save for the kid insisted trip to Chick Fil A that we managed to put off til Friday). In fact, we didn't even go to the grocery store last week. How did I stockpile that much food and not realize it? Yikes! I feel good about the impact that must have had on our budget.

* I've been doing better with my 5 a day, but I'm not sure I get 5 every day. I definitely get at least one, though, and I know that's an improvement.
* I've stopped packing on the pounds. I don't know that I've lost any, but I can tell things are getting any tighter. Thank the gods! This wasn't necessarily a stated goal because I don't want this to be about the weight loss. It was kind of disheartening to feel my clothes getting tighter and tighter, though.

I like Angel's apple a day. I bought some of those yesterday because I've been loving them with peanut butter - protein and fruit. Awesome!

Tonight, though - happy hour! A margarita counts as a fruit, right? And fries with dill ranch are a veggie? Yeah...

one small step for thighs everywhere, one giant step for mine

i looked down last night and saw that the tops of my thighs look slightly less cottage-cheese like than usual. better yet, i'm past my ovulation point this month and that's where i start to put on a lot of bloating so it was a nicer surprise to notice that at this time of the month.

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

juiced - yum

even got the hub to taste some

and Bm had some orange juice (love how it's frothy when it's fresh, reminds me of Orange Julius from when I was a kid)

I packed a larabar because I KNEW i'd get hungry between the time church ended and the time our BBQ plans began...goood thinking!

raw veggies and dip to nosh while we visited with the Wag's around their pool

took #1son to Biglots to buy his video camera

he turned 14 a couple of weeks ago and spoke incessantly about the video camera he planned to get...some silly B grade camera from Wally World.

While perusing the local BigLots for Gluten Free finds (yes, they have TONS of them) I spotted the same JVC hybrid recorder we have cheaper for what he was planning to spend at Wally World.... so after our plans today I willingly drove out of our way so he could pick up his cash and headed over to Biglots inspite of the fact it was after 6 on a Sunday and I thought they'd be closed...it wasn't about me or hub, it was about doing something the kid wanted to do

AND they were open

AND Bill was there

Bill is the cool guy with a lazy eye who went to Juilliard and travelled the country singing in his younger years who now works as a cashier at Big Lots...go figure

I giggle now because #1son's camera battery just finished charging and he actually considered recording himself making eggs :)

I didn't get any garden time in today because we spent the day lazing with friends by their pool

but today's message WAS about seeds...and gardening...and nurturing the seeds you really want to grow...so I was in my garden spiritually :)

I even enjoyed some ice cream... enjoyed it

i didn't scarf it

i didn't eat it mindlessly or too much of it

i rolled it around and actually tasted it

had just enough and felt satisfied (sassified)

Now (sigh) I'm half heartedly watching the Magic lose their chance at extending the Finals series...

Food Addiction

Sometimes this thing seems almost easy. And other times, I feel like ripping my hair out and setting myself on fire.

What is food addiction? I couldn't tell you for sure if there's a true definition of it or if I fit in the description. I've never been to a support meeting or talked to a therapist.

What I can tell you is that food, for me, is not sustenance for your body and something to make your taste buds happy.

For me, food is a mythical, powerful, dominating force. I'm like a pebble on the beach and it's the stormy ocean breaking on me in waves. When I binge or eat certain types of food it's hardly like making a choice. I can't not do it. Sometimes I'm even thinking "Shit, I don't want to eat this. I'm full right now. This doesn't even look appetizing and it's probably going to make me nauseous." And I'm thinking that as I'm watching my hand pick it up and put it in my mouth without hesitation. Honestly though, usually I'm thinking about how delicious it is and how much I want it and how very good it's going to taste.

Sometimes when I'm binging, it's because I'm stressed. They say food can numb emotions you don't want to feel, and that's never rung true for me. I recently realized what they mean, and it's more like a blanket- a soft, downy, welcoming blanket that covers those feelings so you can ignore them and curl up on the blanket instead.

Much of the time though, there's no trigger to my... shall we say, bad choices. I just WANT that junk, damnit. I want it because it's SO DAMN GOOD. Even when it isn't. How did eating become such a perverted, unnatural thing for me?

I am so on board with this One Month thing. I have to be. I have to think about it all the time- it's the tool I'm using to shape my future. Blogging on here is the accountability I need to stop myself from hitting Sonic for three grilled cheese sandwiches, sonic size fries, and a large apple juice slush, and then wondering how I can subtly make the server think it's not all for me.

Even so, on the first day, four times in the first hour alone it was like my brain would reboot and suddenly I would find myself thinking about having Pixie Stix for breakfast, or bringing a Coke in the car to have on the way home from school drop off, or stopping by Krispy Kreme since I happened to be passing near it. Where did those thoughts come from? It was surprising and scary to see what a habit it had become for me to think about junk food.

I'm also surprised at how rapidly those reboots petered out, and already they are pretty much gone. Don't congratulate me yet though. I'm still plagued with plenty of ugly, powerful thoughts and urges.

They're just all the conscious ones now.

another day for me, too

couldn't go to the gym today because they close at 6 on the weekends so i opted for the pond again. i didn't walk as quickly as i had been because my dinner from la madeline turned out to be heavier than i thought. i certainly didn't run when it was still 96 degrees outside at 8 pm. but i still did it. and told myself that every little bit of movement counts no matter if it's 110% some days or 80% on others because even 80% is better than sitting on my ass with another bowl of ice cream.

i realized the best thing about my gym is that it's a REAL gym with very out of shape women in it. no big box gym with showcase models working out.

haven't had my apple yet today. guess that will be my late night snack.

and i realized just how much fun it is to take your kid to half price books. we turned in our first summer reading card to them and got our $3 credit so e walked away with 2 curious george books.

angel

another day

juiced

prepped the soil for the new strawberries coming soon AND moved the pepper plants out of the way of the new rain barrel (can't wait for that)

enjoyed my new favorite raw food snack, a pistachio larabar and I think I like it even better because I found them at BIG LOTS for about 60% less than I paid for them at Whole Foods!

I had some sliced avocado with my sandwich for lunch

not really a recipe, i guess, just sliced with sea salt and cracked pepper

I didn't hate it

that's all I have to say about that

We went to the Saturday Gathering this morning

it's a cooperative community assistance program our church participates in to feed the homeless and offer other assistance. Bm and I made 180 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...whew!

Then...we went and did what SHE wanted

I was slightly annoyed, but I got over it quickly when I realized I was getting healthier...I was make her healthier too :)

check!

now off to interpret Jordin Sparks

but it looks like the sky is going to fall

so maybe not

the perils of babysitting

So tonight I'm babysitting for a family that has the most glorious pantry ever. Or at least when I'm not paying attention to my eating it is. It has all sorts of chips and cookies and crackers. There is always a bucket full of roasted cashews too. Oh and the fridge is full of cheese and olives and leftover lasagna. And there is a separate fridge in the garage that has soda. Sure, the pay is awesome, but honestly I go for the food. It's like a vacation to the junk food spa! They have great magazines there too. So I put the kids to bed, put my feet up on the couch, read magazines, and eat my heart out for a couple hours.

As you can see, I need a game plan for tonight. I'm thinking I'll eat a healthy dinner beforehand and pack some fruit and popcorn to take along. I will decide on one pantry splurge when I am there and will have ONE portion.

Wish me luck.

Wait, I don't need luck. I can do this dammit.

movin' on up...

went to the gym today (again) instead of walking outside because i didn't want the soles of my sneakers to stick to the hot ground!

last time i went, i jogged a little. tonight i jogged a little more. it felt good. really good. and it felt possible. to paraphrase the religious right: with crystal method and the beastie boys, all things are possible.

slowly but surely the little seane corn-esque woman in me is growing stronger and filling in my shell. i just know i have a body like hers in me. i can FEEL it (yes, i'm coveting).

me so happy.

mindless

stopped myself while reaching for my 3rd buttermint

eat real food...obviously you want some

retrieved the pear from my lunch back

score one for the gipper

check, check, check

• juiced this morning,
• pureed brocolli chilled (raw) soup for lunch
• new tomato plant in the topsy turvy for the one that didn't make it through the storm
• taught Bm how to use the desktop publishing software so she could work on the book she's writing over the summer
• researched some raw recipes that utilize avocado since it was on sale
• came to terms with my identity

I did also enjoy 2 pieces of russel stovers chocolate and two peppermint patties during the course of the day. They were actually quite yummy and it doesn't bother me as much that I enjoyed these treats since I'm so proud of the checks on my list

a note from the Universe

I get these in my inbox daily from tut.com. How appropriate is today's note...

Angel, it's supposed to be easy. Everything is supposed to be easy. Everything is easy. You live in a dream world. You're surrounded by illusions. And the illusions change when you change your thinking! Tell yourself it's easy. Tell yourself often. Make it a mantra. Eat, sleep, and breathe it. And your life shall be transformed.

It's supposed to be easy,
The Universe

Our Builder is a Butthead

I couldn’t have made it any clearer could I
I mean we spent a couple of hours with the guy planning our dream house
Well the AUDACITY
He actually called my husband last night and said he couldn’t do the job
He said it was MY fault
Hey bub, you’re the one with the business name “DREAMBUILDERS” so shut up already and go build my dream

He said that I never told him what I wanted
Can you believe it!

After I huffed and puffed for a while, my hub said “well, you DID just give him a list of “nots,” you never really told him what you wanted

Oh, now you’re on HIS side! Listen, I’ve lived in this shack for 3 years now and am definitely ready to get out so don’t tell me I didn’t give him ideas! Grrr…now I have to go find another builder and did I mention…the A/C is out again! You guys in Austin think you have it bad…you ain’t seen summer in Florida and it’s not even officially summer!

I hate this place
The neighbors suck, the feral cats drive us nuts, the windows are a joke (we have air leaks galore), there is no closet space and you can’t even turn around in the master bathroom…what’s so master about that! The kitchen is pretty cool but that’s because I just re-deco’d, the floors suck because the previous owners didn’t know anything about floating a floor before installing…so tiles with cracks and cheap laminate flooring…joy
The tops of my thighs are bigger than my hips and my hips are already pretty big to begin with. I have tiny shoulders and a tiny waist but the girth of my biceps has grown so none of my shirts fit…my arms look like stuffed sausages oh, and did I mention my double chin? I used to think it only showed when I smiled a certain way but an hour in front of the mirror proved me wrong on that one ( a crooked mirror, off centered from the vanity to boot!)

I wish I could feel happy in my own skin. I want long hair and a glow about me. I want strong shoulders and biceps and a beautiful curve to my torso. I want to see my collar bones again and have definition to the shape of my face. I want my tattoos to peek out from under the hem of my shirt and show my womanly, healthy, natural curves. I want ankles!

I want a window over the kitchen sink and I want the washer and dryer in the kitchen. I want my mud room converted into my office and project space so I can take the computer out of our bedroom. I want an entire bookcase wall and defined space for our musical instruments: drums, 9 guitars, trumpet, keyboard, all the amps, the violin and all the hand percussion. I want flow from the kitchen/eating area into the living area so we can all be together and we can entertain more. I want front, back and side yards with varying amounts of sunlight/shade so I can alternate my gardens. I want a recycling and compost center built off the back deck…

You know, there may be something to this “saying what I want” thing…after all how else am I supposed to build my dream? ;)

We’re not really building a new house
Heck…I’m lucky that I have another week’s check coming in so I can pay for the one we have…my hours are almost nil and my hub lost his job in April.
I don’t really hate our house…we LOVE it, it does have the problems I mentioned but it’s home and it’s a work in progress and it really is the house that God gave us…(there’s a blog post of mine I could link here but I can’t find it right now).
But I am building a new house for my spirit and soul, so it’s time to clear the cobwebs and quit complaining about the construction and do something…something positive for myself because every time I tell myself what NOT to do…I get stuck.
Well no wonder…how do I know where to go if I don’t tell myself 

Just food for thought
Oh yeah…I’m changing that to
Just donut for thought
Coz donut shouldn’t be a 4 letter word
Wait…
Oh never mind 