Sometimes this thing seems almost easy. And other times, I feel like ripping my hair out and setting myself on fire.
What is food addiction? I couldn't tell you for sure if there's a true definition of it or if I fit in the description. I've never been to a support meeting or talked to a therapist.
What I can tell you is that food, for me, is not sustenance for your body and something to make your taste buds happy.
For me, food is a mythical, powerful, dominating force. I'm like a pebble on the beach and it's the stormy ocean breaking on me in waves. When I binge or eat certain types of food it's hardly like making a choice. I can't not do it. Sometimes I'm even thinking "Shit, I don't want to eat this. I'm full right now. This doesn't even look appetizing and it's probably going to make me nauseous." And I'm thinking that as I'm watching my hand pick it up and put it in my mouth without hesitation. Honestly though, usually I'm thinking about how delicious it is and how much I want it and how very good it's going to taste.
Sometimes when I'm binging, it's because I'm stressed. They say food can numb emotions you don't want to feel, and that's never rung true for me. I recently realized what they mean, and it's more like a blanket- a soft, downy, welcoming blanket that covers those feelings so you can ignore them and curl up on the blanket instead.
Much of the time though, there's no trigger to my... shall we say, bad choices. I just WANT that junk, damnit. I want it because it's SO DAMN GOOD. Even when it isn't. How did eating become such a perverted, unnatural thing for me?
I am so on board with this One Month thing. I have to be. I have to think about it all the time- it's the tool I'm using to shape my future. Blogging on here is the accountability I need to stop myself from hitting Sonic for three grilled cheese sandwiches, sonic size fries, and a large apple juice slush, and then wondering how I can subtly make the server think it's not all for me.
Even so, on the first day, four times in the first hour alone it was like my brain would reboot and suddenly I would find myself thinking about having Pixie Stix for breakfast, or bringing a Coke in the car to have on the way home from school drop off, or stopping by Krispy Kreme since I happened to be passing near it. Where did those thoughts come from? It was surprising and scary to see what a habit it had become for me to think about junk food.
I'm also surprised at how rapidly those reboots petered out, and already they are pretty much gone. Don't congratulate me yet though. I'm still plagued with plenty of ugly, powerful thoughts and urges.
They're just all the conscious ones now.
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i hear you loud and clear. not that i like to pull out research as a crutch or excuse for anything but this may be of some twisted comfort: i recently saw something that spoke of the addictive ingredients in food, chemical shit that companies intentionally squirt into their foods before they hit the shelves that effs with your brain's signals and makes food like crack for you. i wish i could cite it but all i remember is thinking that it was damned interesting.
ReplyDeletei'm a binge eater. sometimes i call it an eating disorder (when i feel like identifying with a larger crowd) sometimes i don't. i've tried to replace the food with something else. i can go through 3 packs of gum a day easily. so i definitely have an oral fixation of some kind (and not the kind my husband would prefer....oh hell, this is a public blog, isn't it?). my point is: it's a survival behavior of some kind.
I'm definitely an addict...my no holds barred blog helps me be honest about it because I'm a junkie, I'm like a drug addict that tries to keep my problems under wraps.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I decided to finally call it what it was...when I read the words I typed here (http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2009/03/rehab.html) I actually felt a weight lifted. I still carry my weight, in fact I think i'm a pound or two heavier than when I started my blog, but I'm healthier, I'm dealing with issues and I'm learning what it is that makes me want to eat...and there really is something that makes you want to eat.
There's a really great podcast called Inside Out Weight Loss that talks about what e's mama was saying...the additives in conventional foods that make us want more even though we don't physically need more.
Like the nicotine in a cigarette that keeps a smoker coming back. It's part of the reason I'm going more towards a raw diet, growing our own food and reducing the processed things that come into the house. My gluten intolerance has helped some. Once I revolted a bunch of times and ate crap...like the Burger King Binge day, I finally came to terms with the fact that certain foods make me feel good physically and some that make me feel like crap, or worse than death at times.
The more I work towards those kinds of foods, the better I physically feel.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm still working on the emotional reasons for my binging because even if it's a bucket full of baby carrots, it's still a binge.
It's a long process, more than 30 days, but I wanna be around for a long time so might as well take the steps while I'm around :)
I caught myself saying this to someone just Saturday: I think my Overall Self's way of keeping me grounded was through the weight. Literally. I was so dishelved (sp?) on a mentaly, spiritual, and emotional level that I literally had to carry these pounds to ground me. Now that I'm healing those levels the pounds know they can move on, however slowly that may feel.
ReplyDeleteI am such a huge comfort eater. I can totally click with this. For me, it was a major healing, too. I've put on a lot of weight ever since I had trouble conceiving our first child. It's been a nasty roller coaster ever since. I'm really hoping I can let it go and figure out how to keep it from being such a crutch in the future.
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