I went on the hunt for a swim suit today. God bless Academy. $122 later I came home with 2 workout capris, two tank shirts, a sports bra, 2 bathing suit bottoms, and one Life is Good bag (my impulse treat to myself). Yes, ladies, I have something I can wear in the water. Make that TWO somethings and the possibility of three combinations depending on what I mix and match to wear. Notice I said "something I can wear in the water" and not a bathing suit because it's, technically, not a complete suit. The bottoms are but the tops are put together by moi: I found two tank shirts that I really like (one that matches both bottoms) and a simple sports bra that can hold the puppies afloat and *almost* doesn't make it look like I have a uni-boob. I was proud of myself for realizing that (1) I don't like the tightness of a traditional swimsuit top and (2) I just wanted SOMETHING to wear in the water so I can go in. This is m.o.n.u.m.e.n.t.a.l. for me.
I was so good to myself in the dressing room. I didn't compliment or criticize my body. I just saw it for what it is. I was, surprisingly, very objective. I didn't balk at the sizes. I tried them on. Camel toe here, too baggy in the back there. Next. Next. Next. When I found the workout capris that were oh so comfy, I got two different colors. Can't say that I'll be wearing shorts to Sedona in September but I have something that I'm comfortable in, won't sweat to death in, and look decent in (plus, they'll keep me from burning my legs on the rocks!).
Funny, when I got in the car, I immediately starting taking mental note of what I should sacrifice since I splurged on the L.I.G. bag. Then I stopped myself. I don't need to give up something just because I got something. It's okay to have that indulgence. I do it for others. Now it's time to do it for me.
I was momentarily deflated when I went home to hubby and said, "I have an early birthday surprise for you." (this Friday) "I have something to wear in the water!!!!!" with a big toothy grin on my face. I thought he would have been more excited seeing that he is always offering unsolicited fashion advice and that I've avoided anything remotely wet other than the shower for 2 years. But eh, screw it. So when I showed him what I bought, I told him up front, "I don't want to hear anything critical from you when I show you what I bought. I'm really proud of the fact that I came home with something and don't want to be dragged down right now." He complied. :)
I've come to realize these 30 days are not about weight loss for me. It's about getting closer to balance. Less time on the computer. More time reading (b, I finished our Sedona book swap book...yipee!!!!). I don't necessarily sleep better but I recall my dreams more often. I'm uncovering hidden gifts that I brushed aside and didn't use. I love that the hammock has become a sacred place for me and my kid. That he asks for us to go sit in it almost daily. That we sit out there in the shadow of our house at 5 pm, when it's 99 degress outside but the warm breeze makes it bearable so we never truly feel hot. And we just sit there with very little movement or words for an hour. Just me and him.
I still struggle with temper flares sometimes. When that happens, I've learned that I'm either hungry, tired, or haven't done something exclusively for myself today--like shower (or a combo of all three). I still get unnerved when my son beckons, for the 342nd time in less three hours, "mama, play with me" when we HAVE been playing but I've taken a 4 minute break to unload the dryer or stack the dishwasher. I still get weepy and, for a nanosecond, think "Oh God, is the depression coming back?" then I realize it's not a sad weepy, it's a this-is-progress weepy. A good, coming back to center kind of weepy.
The intuitive art class didn't pan out tonight but I'm glad, in a way, because I still did something nurturing. And I still worked out after shopping. I didn't jog today. My body didn't ask for a jog. She asked for a nice, steady, slightly sweat inducing 30 minute walk. And that's what she got. I don't owe anyone a jog, not even myself. I owe it to my body to listen to her.
Lately, I've eaten without thinking. I don't mean mindless eating. I mean having a donut and not mentally beating myself up for it. Just being with the food...whatever it is that I want...and noticing that I haven't binged in over week. Not commending myself on good choices, not berating myself with less than stellar choices. Just being with the choices. I've lowered my expectations of myself, which is a terrific thing because I have a habit of putting the bar so high that I will always fail. So today was a good day.
And that is my monologue for tonight.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
YAY A!
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things here that were just so beautiful but you know me and my Mystery Interpreter Theater 2000 commentary, there's one thing that especially stood out...
"I don't want to hear anything critical from you when I show you what I bought. I'm really proud of the fact that I came home with something and don't want to be dragged down right now.
The "he complied:)" was just the cherry on top. You asked for what you needed!
It must be in the air because I've been doing this lately or (if you read yesterday's all out blog post and commentary) if I don't ask for it in the moment, I own it and talk about it later.
I remember when I first started writing. One of the best pieces of advice I got from my writing mentor was something to the effect of, when you start sharing your work, tell people the kind of advice you want back. "I can only hear positive feed back right now," or "The story line isn't ready for commentary so tell me what you think of my style." By helping those around us give us what we need (they're not mind readers!), each time they comply we learn to trust them more. That gradual trust helps us feel safe with future, possibly deeper commentary.
You go girl!
Love you
i asked for what i needed but i still need to learn how to process it when the result isn't what i asked for. there's a fine line between "was that person in a place where they could do that for me?" versus "was that person in a place where they could do that for me BUT CHOSE TO DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE?" big difference.
ReplyDeletefunny aside that i forgot to put in the post: 2 days ago, eli found our bathroom scale (not always an accurate one) and told me to stand on it. so i did but my feet were upside down (heels where the toes should be). i looked down and it said 130 pounds. he yelled YOU WON!!! hahahaha. yeah, it's just off by about 30 pounds but i can't remember the last time it EVER said 130, accurate or not. wish i'd had a camera on me to take a shot of it.
"i asked for what i needed but i still need to learn how to process it when the result isn't what i asked for"
ReplyDeleteyou're right
we're actually working on this in our energy team and had this discussion over dinner at our place tonight. What we need as beings, is to feel heard, validated, of value. Once we move to a point where we feel heard, sometimes it doesnt matter what the actual outcome is.
If we find ourselves pining for a particular result, perhaps we need to ask ourselves again what it is we are trying to communicate and how we can feel heard.
You. ROCK!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(had to remove the post because there was a big typo on it). here it is again with correction:
ReplyDeleteokay, let's continue this.
i could make an easy case for children and their needs and who they look to in order to get those needs met/satisfied and that they don't have the skill set necessary to differentiate between being heard versus getting the need met. but we're not children here...or are we, if we're focusing on our inner child?
i don't totally buy into the whole idea that it's about being heard. if i have a higher level need (think Maslow) that can't be met by the person who heard my request, simply being heard does not make my desire for the need go away. so am i supposed to be all zen about it and simply acknowledge that the need won't be met, brush aside any disappointment, and go on with my day? no, my ego has a need that it wants met and, as much as i'm on the path to enlightenment, i signed up for a human experience this time around so i can't brush aside what i'm feeling. i don't believe that neutralization of emotions is an indication of attained nirvana/bliss. or perhaps i wouldn't feel any disappointment if i were already that evolved.
Maybe this whole being heard thing is just my personal journey at the moment because it's made a world of difference in my binge or no binge mentality.
ReplyDeleteAs an added bonus, I've felt freer about encouraging the rest of the fam to be heard,and the whole process has de-escalated the negative energy around here...even when we don't get what we want.
It doesn't necessarily mean the desire goes away, or that we won't ultimately satisfy the desire.
The next step for me, is realizing that when I'm not asking for something unreasonable, and it STILL isn't being met, perhaps I'm not asking in the right way OR that I'm not asking for what I truly need.
Yeah I know I know...while I'm gone would you unload the dishwasher and flip the laundry is a pretty direct question. And when I get home and it's still not done I have a right to be, and usually am upset.