Ssssstttttrrrrreeeeesssssssss

The company I work for just got bought out. The new one looks good, but what if they suck? What if the area manager's a dick? What if I can't get as many sits, or have to drive farther, or get fired because I refuse to work certain days?

Balls.

Oh, Hi There ... Whoops

So, I dropped off the face of the earth. Sorry about that. My kiddo got two illnesses back-to-back and I haven't been to the gym for two weeks and I'm not feeling all that healthy. However, the rumblings in my digestive tract are telling me that tonight's meal was, indeed, high in fiber (ahem), and I swear and vow and swear again that I'll go to the gym tomorrow. In fact, I'll lay out my clothes tonight. Except that I have to take G. to the dentist in the morning, and don't really want to go in my stretch pants. Hm. I'll figure it out -- swear, vow, swear: You heard me, so it's got to be done now, right? Right?

In other news, my husband has to go on a business trip for the whole week of my birthday! I have my mom lined up to come one night, and she's going to babysit so an old friend and I can go out on my actual b-day, so in truth, the b-day needs are taken care of ... it's the rest of the week as a single parent that I'm not looking forward to. Sigh.

Hey Ladies!!!

visit my blog and read about the 5k I picked as my goal race :)

http://livedcomposedandillustratedbyme.blogspot.com/2009/07/susan-g-komen-for-cure-aaaa-central.html

first day to 5k

I didn't want to

the whole way driving home from Tampa (yes, I got a frosty and a small fry), I was contemplating how tired I was and how I really didn't feel like breaking out the treadmill...

But, the whole way TO Tampa this morning I listened to several versions of "Couch to 5k" podcasts to find the one that would motivate me the most.

I think I've decided on a combination of all 3 podcasts I DL'd from iTunes. I have to hit the treadmill 3 times a week so I'll just alternate options so I don't get bored.

So today was my first day...I actually did ALL the intervals except for the very last running interval and felt pretty good. If someone had been there yelling at me, I may have done the final interval too...but I did get a wee bit nauseous during my after session stretch so I probably did a good job listening to my body.

Heck...I didn't think I'd make it near as far as I did

I thought for sure I'd have to quit half way through

I thought for sure I'd have to do more walking than jogging during the faster intervals...but I didn't :)

So I'll have to find a local 5k to participate in as a goal and celebration

and maybe this potato will be ready for a bikini

I thought I gained

but turned out I actually lost a pound while in Texas

go figure :)

really GO FIGURE!

yes, i'm still on the "like my shape" kick

Screw The Plan For A Day

I'm going to eat birthday cake!

And birthday ice cream. And birthday soda. And whatever else this birthday wants to throw at me.

Viva la July 23rd!

horseback riding

sigh

eating

sigh

in TX and get to see A tomorrow

YAY

treadmill waiting for me when I get back to FLA

i'm done eating now

self correcting tomorrow

back on the horse

:)

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

everyone thinking of The Shining now?

creepy kid riding down the long hallway on a big wheel?

Okay...I blog more of my insides about my compulsive overeating disorder here but I will share that these past few days have sucked

I even sleepate

yeah

I got up, walked to the kitchen, ate 4 handfulls of flamin cheetos and a little debbie's cosmic brownie then went back to bed

I thought I dreamt it

but see I'm Gluten Intolerant...so it wasn't long before the porcelain gods told me otherwise...

My boobs are heavy, hot and sore

and I'm eating

everything in sight

no sign of stopping

no sign of even FEELING full

the backs of my elbows have taken on the look of a young pudgy girls knees

the cellulite has drifted even further south (really? calves with cottage cheese good GAWD)

I've been mindful of screwing up

Now...

I'm still proud of the things that have happened for me internally over the past 3 months or so (back when I started seeing a counselor)

and I know my food episodes revolve around my menses cycle

(dammit)

I get one really great week of low hunger, mindful eating, positive body image

a week of ovulation, a week of pms, and a week of flow ... yup

I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was last year at this time

and I really wanted to be 15 lbs lighter back then

So I really wanna lose 35 lbs

My epiphany this month?

I don't like my size

but I love my shape

that's been my mantra

it really is a TRUE statement

it's easier to focus on the truth

By a fluke gift from God, I get to fly to TX this week for work

so YAY I get to see my BFF

Good damn thing too...

coz I need a booster shot!

So...when I get back

The treadmill will be in it's new home on the porch (I love our porch so that's a good place for it).

I've downloaded a few podcast versions of "couch to 5k" that I'm gonna preview on the plane to and from TX.

And that will be my goal

I may even get brave and post pics on my blog.

Heck...it's not a "visited by millions" blog anyway so why not :)

My Favorite Fruit

Grapes. Black cherries. Watermelons and strawberries mixed together (aka Tiger's Blood).

I'm also mighty fond of blue raspberries.

On July 17, 2009, Blogger Becomes Self Aware

And terminates Babs' authoring capabilities.

Anyone else been eliminated? I'll send you a re-invite.

I'm All Alone, PS

In case you didn't know:

Asparayuck

Here's what I made for dinner the other night (courtesy of Pillsbury's Fast and Healthy Cookbook. I can't address the Healthy cause I'm a nutritional dumbass like that, but if by Fast they meant Painfully Slow then yes. Yes indeed.):


Light and Lemony Chicken

Rice

3 cups hot cooked instant rice [when a supposedly healthy cookbook doesn't even specify brown over white rice, it's time to start worrying]

Sauce

2/3 cup ready-to-serve fat-free chicken broth with 1/3 less sodium
1 tsp lite soy sauce
1 tsp grated lemon peel
1/4 cup lemon juice
(I got a lemon and it gave me enough peel but not enough juice, doing it by hand)
1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp cornstarch
dash pepper

Stir-fry

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves, cut into bite-size strips
8 green onions, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 lb. fresh asparagus spears, trimmed, cut into 1-inch pieces (3 cups)
2 cups frozen baby cut carrots

1. While rice is cooking, in small bowl, combine all sauce ingredients; mix well. Set aside.

2. Spray large nonstick skillet or wok with nonstick cooking spray. Heat over high heat until hot. Add chicken and onions; cook and stir until chicken is lightly browned and no longer pink. Remove skillet from heat; place chicken and onions on plate.

3. Spray skillet again with cooking spray. Heat over high heat about 1 minute. Add asparagus and carrots; cook and stir 3 to 4 minutes or until vegetables are crisp-tender.

4. Return chicken and onions to skillet. Stir sauce well; pour over chicken and vegetables. Cook and stir just until sauce thickens. Serve over rice.

The verdict is an official Meh.

Hubs and The Kid thought it was OK but weren't big fans of the asparagus or carrots. It has been suggested that next time I replace the asparagus with bell peppers, and maybe celery.

Me, I can't stand most cooked veggies, so I just picked out the chicken and ate it over rice. That's dedication for ya.

So here's what I wonder: what cruel, petty god cursed me with this set of taste buds?

I did that test thingy where you put some sugar substitute in some water and see if it tastes sweet or bitter to you and bam! Supertaster! This is hard science, people. Physical proof that cooked vegetables make me want to hork.

Or something like that.

Most of them taste eerily similar to me, just different shades of the same flavor: Horror. Peas, broccoli, carrots, asparagus, blah blah blah HORK. I can't even stand the smell.

I can only conclude I pissed off someone powerful in a past life.

PS. Onions though? Rawk!

Let the Flaggelation Begin

I hereby formally request any and all of you beat me mercilessly if I fail to post here at least a few times a week. Cause you know what? If I'm not blogging here, I'm not succeeding in my Days (hereby lengthened from thirty).

Lani? Shannon? Erin? Melia? Haven't seen y'all post in a long time.

IIIII'm All Aloooooone,

There's no one heeeere
to guide me.

IIII'm all aloooooone,
there's no one heeeeere
besi-ide me-eeeee.

Don't leave, y'all. I need you to kick my ass. It's sad over here, real sad.

mindful mindlessness

I haven't been mindful

I haven't been "bad" either but I know I haven't been present

everyone is back (all the kids from their various travels last week) and I've probably been more focused on how well that is working out rather than how I am doing

I've been annoyed

I ate an extra square of pizza at PizzaFusion last night because of it

today I spoke about it

I don't know that I've necessarily eaten too much (according to portion standards)

but I do know that if I was present while eating, I wouldn't have eaten as much as I did

Thirty Days

Yes indeed, we've made it thirty days. It's been a rocky road. Lots of success, lots of failure. YOU guys have amazed me. My first two weeks were amazing. Hella hard, but I DID it. The last two+ weeks have sucked donkey balls. Hairy, linty ones. I don't know what happened, really. I think I broke down and had a little bit of junky food, and that was powerful enough to make me feel wasted, tired, uninspired. I've also been working a lot and that's really hard because I work around dinner time and if I let myself get hungry that's when all hell breaks loose, so what I really, really need to do is plan and work ahead enough that dinner is ready before I leave, and/or bring healthy snacks with me. O' course that takes energy. I was totally going to do it yesterday but something came up. Today! Today.

Twenty Questions

Is it hot? Greasy? Salty? Fresh? Comes in a bag? I didn't have to make it? Minimal cleanup? Healthy?

If the answer was yes to all of these except the last one, you may have correctly guessed Wendy's 1/2 Pounder With Cheese and Large Fries.

It's been a rough couple weeks. I'm trying to get back on the wagon.

I think I need an intervention or something. And an ankle monitoring bracelet.

And a therapist.

my curtain call

i have noticed that my body, mind, and soul are asking for more space. i want to create space. i find myself purging much like babs. i haven't touched my wardrobe (there's not much in there to begin with) but i've caught myself going through old files, craft supplies, kitchen cabinets, everywhere else in my physical surroundings to create space. i'm creating space in my body (gotta love reiki).

space, space, space. the more i create it the more i want it. call me a space junkie.

then i realized just how much of my time is consumed by al gore's internets. i follow more blogs than i can keep up with. instead of savoring the ones that call to me on a particular day, i find myself hastily clicking through each one for the sheer sake of saying i got through them.

so why am i opting to end this part of my journey? well, after all, the 30 days have come and gone so i guess, technically, i'm not under any obligation to remain. but more importantly this is a lesson i want to learn because i find i don't like closures, i don't like goodbyes, i don't like endings. given, i'm in the thick of it right now because of our decision to put our dog to sleep tomorrow, but take that out of the equation and i still want to practice my endings and i feel safe enough to do it here.

so i leave you with some classic ABBA:

cleaning my closet

I've spent this week purging

my closet

It was hard a couple of days ago as I pulled things out that I love(d?) but that no longer fit

I have no doubt they'll fit again, but they don't now and therefore are cluttering my space

I dreamed of a clothes pawn

a place I could bring the things I love(d) to for a bit of cash but could get them back if I fit into them by a certain agreed upon time

If I didn't, I lost them

But then I decided it was time to let them go

I had a greater good

I was bringing them to Plato's Closet to sell, I'd get store credit and give it to my young one to spend on school clothes...it made it easier to let go.

I kept my inspiration shirt,

an awesome pair of pants that were bought WITH the inspiration shirt, and a pair of jeans...I had about 5 pairs of jeans...figured the "saved" pair would be my "you're here...now shop" pair.

Turns out the Closet didn't want a lot of what I brought

I wound up with just shy of 20 bucks

which works...because this weekend they have a "fillabagwithclearanceitemsfor20buckssale" so I'll let the wee one get a jump start on school shopping

But the bag is still in my trunk

it's not coming back in

i'll find someplace else for it to go

but the vacuum has been created in my space

and it is calling the new me

Today is 30

right

didn't we start this escapade on June 8th or somewhere thereabouts

so how are we feeling

I know I'm better than where I started

I know this how?

Because now, instead of wanting to lose weight because I don't like my body

I want to lose weight to feel comfortable in my body

there's a difference

It's not because I want to wear the skinny jeans (funny, I originally typed sinny jeans)

It's because I want to feel comfortable, when I sit, when I stand, when i wear shorts, when I run around in the yard with my kids

it's not a size

it's a feeling

and that'd definitely better

I also know this because not long before I started this adventure with you fellow beauties, I ate enough food for 4 people in one sitting...alone

and tonight, while out with the hub, we intentionally ordered enough food for 4 people (coz someone else foot the bill) and tasted and sampled each course

and I don't think I even ingested the equivalent of what one person would've eaten

we enjoyed our night out AND we have left overs galore for tomorrow

that's progress

So does tomorrow start another 30?

What's your intention?

What will you do differently

What will you do the same

It's okay to call a mulligan...after all, you're still in the game :)

My goals for this 30?

continued mindfulness

and moving 30 minutes a day for 3 days each week

Smurdlod

This week has been an exercise in mindfulness for me

Non-judgemental awareness

And so far I've been quite proud of what I've been able to be aware of

Mostly, as it pertains to food, I've been mindful of whether or not I'm "actually" hungry.

That's a interesting one for me because I don't always eat when I'm hungry...in fact when I binge, I'm the furthest thing from hungry but I never feel full so again...this has been an interesting exercise.

I can't explain it any other way than mindful, maybe "intellectual" ??

like...I 'know' I'm not really hungry because I just ate lunch an hour ago so why do I want to eat

at times I've realized I'm bored

one time I realized I just didn't like the taste in my mouth

I've also been applying the strategy while I eat

checking in to see how I'm feeling during my meal

this one has floored me because I've truly eaten about 2/3 LESS than I would've a week ago

I've pushed food away (even thrown it out...gasp!)

I've not really changed the KINDS of food I'm eating so I'm not necessarily being UberDietWoman and living off of carrot sticks and grapes...which has been nice because I'm not feeling deprived.

I guess I'm having what I want, when I truly want it, and having just enough of it to satisfy the want.

Now lest you think I'm doing this perfectly...pop over to my blog and read the popcorn fiasco from the other day...mindfulness doesn't mean mistake free!

Tonight the hub and I are going on a date

I won a $125 dining certificate and we're hitting Bob Marley's-A Tribute to Freedom. I've checked the menu and there are tons of yummy things to eat. (I'm going for the Summer Down appetizer, Manchester Lamb Entree, and Boston Bay for dessert.) We have $125 bucks to spend (and that doesn't include alcohol) so we've already decided to sample a bunch of things with a "taste here and a taste there."

Oddly enough...I'm not scared by that thought

I'm actually really excited

Maybe it's the "i didn't have to pay for it so I don't have to clean my plate" mentality

Maybe it's the practice in being mindful and the going in prepared

The wii says I'm down 2.4lbs this week

We'll see what the average is at the end of the week because if there's one thing I've learned in my weight loss carreer is that i fluctuate up and down within a spectrum of 8lbs in a month so I'm a trend line kind of girl not a day to day kind of girl

But I've wii'd

I've juiced

I've been mindful

and this will be the 2nd date with my hub this week :)

My doldrums were definitely oppressive last week

I decided to be intentional about at least one thing per day so I could feel a sense of accomplishment (whether it was weight related or not)

and i'm feeling better this week

Doldrums

Feeling like I'm in the healthy living doldrums right now. Holiday weekend, sick kid, emotional stuff going on (may or may not be related to PMS) ... just all kind of bleh. I did find out that although I enjoy Barilla Pasta Plus as a hot dish, it does not make the best cold pasta salad, which made it kind of a waste of homemade pesto, sundried tomatoes and asparagus. We diligently ate it anyway. Again, bleh.

Hey Angel, is Mercury in retrograde right now? I'm having some weird interpersonal communication snafus that I can't really chalk up to anything specific. So, while I'm not coping with food that I can discern, I'm also not energetically pursuing exercise. Only went once last week, and with a sick child, this week's not looking much better. I went today, so that's something. Also, screw this effing weather. When 99 is a break from the heat, I've had about as much as I can stand. I usually don't feel this way until August. Say it with me: bleh.

How's everyone else doing? Have we hit the proverbial plateau in this enterprise. How shall we overcome it?

my kind of love handles

check out these two cuties on my hips



when hubs and kiddo were looking at the pictures, hubs said, "oh your mama isn't going to like this one" so i hurried from the kitchen to see what he was talking about.

my reply: "what are you talking about? look at my great smile."

not bad considering that it was 98 degrees at 8 pm and i had an extra 65 pounds straddled to my hips (damn, if weight would only slide off me as easily as those 2 kids did).

i could have overanalyzed the photo and pointed out all the things "wrong" with it (according to my definition) but i won't let my eyes get past the smile as not to ruin the minute spark of positive self-esteem that i feel when i look at it.

Get your post-its out ladies

While waiting for my counseling appointment...I read an article about this http://operationbeautiful.com/ in the paper

good stuff :)

The article was actually about this woman http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/, but she got so much traffic to her site she started operation beautiful to handle all the "postings"

the weight-ing is the hardest part

now that we all have tom petty in our heads....

how is it that...

i don't feel 165 pounds (okay, i don't feel 135 either but not 165)
i think 165 pounds should wear more than a size 14
yet when i look at myself (in a picture that hubby snuck which i promplty deleted) i think "holy shit, i'm really THAT big????"

go figure. so now i totally doubt myself. am i seeing myself through those body-distortion-image glasses? or am i REALLY seeing myself as i am?

grumblemuttergrumblemutter

What I've learned...and the week isn't even over

this started out as a comment to e's mama...but it's probably too long for that

I've learned that I really can't do anything for 30 days

wasn't that the tag line...we can do ANYTHING for 30 days?

okay...i take it back, I can be mindful and recognize what I can and cannot do

I've been mindful that I haven't always done what I set out to do

and I guess that's something

I've also realized that today, I wish I were where I was 6 months ago, and 6 months ago I wished I were where I was 6 months before that and I always wish I were where I was post ww...and when I was there, in every instance, I still wasn't happy with the shape I was in. (previous post validates that I am happy with the shape that I am...but not always the shape I am in)

So today...I realize that there is the REAL possibility that 6 months from now I will be longingly looking at the size I am now (the one I currently can stand).

So today, I appreciate where I am and somewhere inside I know that is a start

I'm sure I am not where I was because I never appreciated what I had accomplished

So today, I love where I am and honor where I am and focus on the shape that I am instead of the shape I am in.

I'm gonna go make some juice now

Then the day is packed with things that build up my daughter and light the mama spark in me

and I'm gonna wear my awesome gypsy skirt and a funky skater T and my fave chunky jewelry and be the bohemian-crunchy-skatepunk mom I know that I am...heck maybe I'll even throw in a little kitsch while I'm at it

Have a great day ladies!

(a...I always wish I had bought that awesomely cheesy christmas tree dress from that antique place in Austin...i SWEAR if I ever come across one again it's MINE and our family's christmas tree will forever be a kitschy mannequin!)

all right peeps, roll call

what's going on?

our company just started three different fitness programs to run july 1 - october 1. all self reporting, all voluntary. i'm going to do two of them for kicks: the biggest loser and healthy living. here's the thing: the prizes are going to be drawn randomly, everything is anonymous, and it's based on "participation, not results." i don't totally understand how that's supposed to motivate me but what the heck.

angel